I was too slammed last week to write anything here, and I was getting a bit concerned that everything was dark and moody and "all sub boys suck." So, today, let's talk about an ongoing BDSM topic: what's the big deal about shaving a sub boy's head?
As noted early on, I believe that a sub boy should accept, if not necessarily welcome, that his dom may shave the boy's head. I said earlier that it's a sign of submission that doesn't go away overnight, and that's a good thing. But this past week, a couple of guys (one dom, one sub for non-sexual reasons) asked the equivalent of a question I've heard way too many times about this:
Isn't there something else you could do instead?
Well, yeah, of course there's something any dom could do instead of anything else. I could do anything else I wanted within the agreed-upon limits, from having 12 hours of hot monkey sex to baking a lasagna for him. But just as the point of being submissive is that you let the dominant guy do what he wants with you, the point of being dominant is that you do what you want with the sub, within the agreed-upon limits.
So why might I want to shave a boy's head?
First, I find it erotic. When I was in junior high, I saw a TV news report of some high school boys who were not-quite-willingly getting buzzcuts, back at a time when it was nowhere near fashionable and not even an act of rebellion. It was one of those things that started to awaken the dom within, and those early erotic experiences always shape you more than you think.
That said, it's not always the "big deal" it used to be. Short hair and shaved heads are now (and still) fashionable for guys. A large number of guys, though I think fewer gay guys, shave their heads at some point in junior high through college just to do it. I really think that's a good thing - I think everyone should have to do it at least once. Once you can deal with having a buzzed or shaved head, your hair just won't freak you out anymore. Guys who've never had it done and have longer hair tend to obsess over their hair, going nuts over almost any imperfection in it. I just don't think that's a good use of a guy's mental energy. :-)
Even so, most sub boys who realize they're gay first and sub later not only have not had their heads shaved, they're quite scared of it. A boy who starts to explore his sexuality in the clubs and fashion circles wraps up a lot of his self-worth in a uniform, All-American Male appearance. It is frightening how many gay boys on services like gay.com identify themselves by clothing brands. The thought of all that changing in a few minutes scares the crap out of them.
This is not all that unusual - most things that can happen to a new sub boy can scare the crap out of him. No matter how much you know you need to be tied up and dominated, going to a dom's dungeon (or bedroom) and being restrained for the first time is nerve-wracking.
If you've wanted to be spanked, for example, and you finally get tied up and start getting paddled, and it starts to hurt, and you realize you can't get away and can't stop it, it's a real moment of personal truth. You might even panic - but do you want your panic to control the scene, or do you want to have to take it like you always wanted, and trust that the dom you've chosen? It's his job to push you past where you thought you could go, and maybe even push you over the edge as long as he catches you while you fall. If you let your panic end the scene, you'll never know.
But fear goes beyond the immediate. Many of the sub boys I've known have fantasies or at least thoughts of being owned boys, with varying ideas of a "normal" life beyond their service to their masters. Not too many boys are actively seeking a 24/7 "keep me locked in a cage and use me all the time" life as a slave, but a lot of them would like to submit more often than not - be collared, maybe chastized, be a slave just beneath the surface.
The problem here is that most of these boys, while "out" as gay men to their friends and family, usually want to keep their BDSM interest in the closet. It's socially acceptable to be gay, but not so much to be gay and into leather. It works out for them because most of the normal signs of submission are normally hidden even by a bathing suit (chastity devices, shaved genitals, paddle marks), can be hidden by normal clothing (a shaved body, whip marks on the back), or can be removed (collars, cuffs, chastity devices, anklets).
Even in those rare cases where a dom sends a sub home with a collar or chastity device that the sub can't remove, the nervous sub keeps reminding himself that it can be removed. And these are boys who want to be collared or otherwise owned, but when it happens, the fear takes over. He keeps telling himself that if he can keep the collar hidden for a few days until he can talk the dom into taking it off, or explain it glibly enough, he'll be "OK." If he's locked in chastity, then he can't date anyone who doesn't understand, but he can avoid dating until he can get out of it. No matter what it is, he can either hide it or get it removed, and everything will be back to "normal."
And, thusly, slaves in training manage to avoid dealing with the fact that they are slaves. I strongly agree that a guy's sexuality is his own business. It's no one else's concern if you are gay or straight or dom or sub or transgendered or anything else. Yet the insidious problem of the closet is that it keeps those in it from really facing their sexuality. A sub boy submits - that's why he's a sub. He can't face that if he spends 80% of his sexual energy worried about how to keep other people from knowing that he submits.
And they worry too much anyway - most people who see a boy wearing a "collar" will only recognize it as some kind of jewelry or fashion statement, but that doesn't stop the boy from constantly reminding himself that everything will be "normal" again once he gets the collar removed. It's not a true comfort zone. It's a fake one, a closet all its own that's no different than gay guys who refuse to go to clubs or hang out with other gay guys lest someone "see" them.
A shaved head demolishes this faux comfort zone.
In reality, a guy with a shaved head is not a big deal in any way. Even if the boy is not "the type" to shave his head, no one's going to know why he did it. Those who had to guess would be ten times more likely to guess "got drunk around the wrong people" than "enslaved by his gay master." Maybe twenty times. His friends may give him crap over it for a while, but most people who see him won't care in the slightest. It's simply not a real-world problem. When you have to explain it, "It's just something I did" or "I'm trying it" tends to work very well, because most people don't care if you shave your head or not. The chances that anyone will figure out you are a slaveboy because you have your head shaved are extremely, extremely small. The only people who might get it are other subs or doms, and they're going to understand.
But it has no undo button. Once the master starts in on the boy with the clippers, the hair is gone, and it's not coming back anytime soon. There's nothing the boy can do to hide it or to pretend it didn't happen - it will be seen, and to at least friends, it must be explained. It busts the door on the closet of denial.
Most sub boys I've known in my life fail to live up to their own potential for happiness because they're scared shitless of people knowing they are or want to be slaveboys. When such a boy gets his head shaved, he's forced to go back out into the world with an innocuous change that he can't deny. It's not jewelry or a device he can remove; it's not something he can hide under clothing. Even if the boy had what most people would call a "buzzcut," it will be 2-3 weeks after his head is shaved before he looks like he has a buzzcut again - presuming the master allows that and doesn't keep the boy's head shaved.
You would not believe how many boys, over the years, have said to me, "I wouldn't mind having my head shaved if it could grow back in a day or two." They're terrified that people in the "real world" will see into their closet, even though it really never happens. The boy doesn't have to tell his friends, "my master decided I needed my head shaved," unless the master orders it (I never have).
But he does have to deal with the fact that he is a slaveboy, and not pretend otherwise when not actually tied up. Just like gay guys don't really start to grow in and accept their sexuality until they come out to most of the people in their lives, slaveboys don't start to accept that part of their sexuality until they're forced to deal with it. Removable signs and hidden signs of submission never force them to deal with it in the mirror each morning as they get ready to leave. A shaved head does, in just about the only way that's not permanent yet not instantly reversible.
Sure, there are exceptions. Boys who've had their heads shaved before tend not to be so invested in it unless it was long ago and they didn't like it. Of the guys who say they "can't" shave their heads for work or other reasons, about 90% of them are wrong. A shaved head is an interesting haircut in terms of personal dynamics: if you wear it with your head held high and walk with confidence, it's a very powerful look for any job - sales, waiter, anything. If you keep your chin down and your shoulders slumped and act submissively, it makes you look extremely submissive. Yet these same sub boys are used to not acting submissively outside of their master's presence, so again, it's not a problem. They just have to deal with it. (Now, if you're a TV personality or a model or an actor currently playing a part, then yeah, you have some restrictions. The vast majority of sub boys do not have this problem.)
When a boy gets his head shaved by his master, he starts to accept and understand an important part of his sexuality, precisely because he can't remove or hide it like the other symbols of submission. The act itself is extremely dominant for the master, the result is important for the boy. It's almost a BDSM rite of passage. I don't think every boy needs his head shaved every time, and some may never need it. But some do need it, whether they want it or not.
I could do something else - but what would be the point?
