Personality conflict

I just had a somewhat angry chat with a boy who felt that this was directed squarely at him.

He has reason to feel that way. Some of the circumstances described there directly fit his actions, and actions speak louder than words.

But the problem with seeing yourself in blind items is that you tend not to expand your worldview appropriately. While the circumstances of that item fit his actions, they also exactly fit the actions of at least two other local boys this year. They loosely fit probably a dozen more with slight variations.

Actions speak louder than words, so when you say you'll do things that you had no intention of doing, you don't get to be hurt when others call you on your bullshit. If you screwed up, fix it. If you were misunderstood, clear it up. If you were lying, apologize and stop lying.

If you're just a jerk, it doesn't matter, because you're not going to change any of it anyway.

On bondage

As if life in the BDSM community isn't complicated enough already, I've been reminded of late that, by and large, there are two different groups of guys into bondage—that is, into being tied up—and if you don't know which guy is in which camp, you're going to run into trouble.

• The pure bondage boys love bondage for its own sake. The feeling of tight restraint is extremely sensual to them, and they're content to be securely tied, or shackled, or taped, or mummified, for hours on end, just wriggling in place and feeling the lack of movement.

• The submissive boys view bondage as part of the process of giving up control to a man. They view being restrained as just part of service—making themselves fully available to the master, being kept from interfering with his wishes, being "stored" until needed, or just being bound for the master's amusement.

Now, ideally, a master will find a boy who fits into both camps—who loves to serve and loves being bound jsut for its own sake. But in reality, a lot of boys are only in it for one reason or the other, and that's important to know:

• "Pure bondage" boys are often not submissive at all. You can tie them up for days on end and make them happy, but they don't want to say "Sir" or "Master," don't want to crawl around, and otherwise want to be treated as equals. They value your creativity and friendship, which can be very nice, but the concept of "serving" doesn't turn them on.

• Submissive boys, on the other hand, view bondage as just an extension of the master's will or desires. They'll accept almost anything you require of them (within limits), but they want to serve and be "used." If you leave them alone in bondage for hours on end, or even for 15-20 minutes, they'll get bored. That's because they're not interested in the bondage for its own sake, only for your sake.

Sure, there are exceptions and cross-overs and all that, but you'll have a miserable time being dominant with a pure bondage guy, just as you'll have a miserable time applying creative bondage to a boy who only wants to kneel and serve. The more you know about what turns on your partner, the more fun you'll both have.