Why believing chat boys is a bad idea

So I get up this morning after 5 hrs sleep because my schedule is fucked. I put the spare computer on gay.com to see if any friends are there, and I see a new name, "Billy_The_kid_".

I click on the guy's pic, and he's 18 and looking cocky, and his bio line says "I've two six guns, meaning I can take 12 of you trolls out that bother me. Who'll be first?" Aside from the attitude and adverb problems, he lists his location as "Cheesecake Factory." So now, despite the warning signs, I'm interested for a few reasons:

• My late grandmother, a noted nutcase, insisted we were related to William Bonney (Billy the Kid). Or maybe it was Jesse James; I sometimes don't remember which parts of her nuttiness were toasted and which were plain.



• The actual restaurant chain, The Cheesecake Factory, just opened its first restaurant in my area a few months ago. They always have long lines because they have a huge menu of creative entrees (and a lot of cheesecake). The chain's slogan is "Something for Everyone!" This is not true - there's nothing for me. I have dietary restrictions (unrelated to weight, in case you're wondering), and I can't eat very much of a common dietary element or, well, I might die. You can think of it like a nut allergy if you want - it's not, but it's similar. I won't die instantly if I eat any of it, but if I eat too much of it, it's bad news. Ain't no cheesecake on earth worth that.
  
  I have to know how much of this common ingredient is in food or I can't eat it, but The Cheesecake Factory refuses to disclose nutritional information, saying only that they "use only the freshest and finest ingredients available." Fresh poisons are still poisons.
  
  I don't expect the cheesecake to be low-fat, but I have to know how much of my sensitivity ingredient is in anything before I eat it. If his location of "Cheesecake Factory" is real, meaning he works at the restaurant, I wanted to put that bug in his ear.



• Even if it wasn't real, and if it had anything to do with actual cheesecake, at the time I sent the message, the brand-new 2007 season of America's Test Kitchen was starting on the local public TV station. It's from the editor's of Cook's Illustrated magazine (possibly the best food magazine around), and the subject of this 2007 premiere was - low-fat cheesecake. Just seemed like too much of a coincidence not to mention if the location had anything to do with actual cheesecake, and didn't mean "cheesecake" in the slang sense of "I'm hot shit and I know it and I'm better than you because of it."

Of course, it was the last one that he meant. Here's a complete transcript of the chat:

[10:37 AM] [Buzzer1] cheesecake factory? really?

[10:37 AM] [billy_the_kid_] Sorry : I am busy or away



[10:45 AM] [billy_the_kid_] get lost you porker ass freak

You have to wonder how much of a rich and complex world fools like this guy miss because all he thinks about is how undeserving other people are of seeing his cock.

As of this weekend, it's been two years since I went into a public gay.com chat room, and it's not hard to see why I don't miss it in the slightest.