On reliability

I was surprised, and slightly pleased, to talk to a new boy from a nearby state last week. He approached me because he'd been reading this blog, and although he should probably be doing more constructive things (like getting tied up), he appeared to be scared to death just to say "hello," which was both charming and frustrating.

(I know I've mentioned this before, but there are few things more annoying in gay.com chat than someone who reads my profile, finds the password to "open the chat window," and then types nothing but the password over and over again. As if the act of opening a window suddenly means I have something to say to someone I don't know. Once again, boys, the password opens the chat window. Once it's open, you actually have to say things if you want a response.)

Anyway. One of the questions this boy asked, being completely new to BDSM, was what he could do to get started. I never know how to answer that; knowing enough to know that you have a submissive interest is a good start, but you'll have to find someone to explore it with, someone you trust enough to know what the rules are and to obey them.

But I should have answered the broader question of "what can a boy do to please online sirs" a little bit more clearly, so here it is:

Be reliable.

Honest to God, boys, you have no idea how many guys online professing to be "subs" or "slaves" or "boys" are complete flakes. It ranges from the standard chat problem of the boy stopping all responses in the middle of the chat with no warning, to the flat-out dishonesty of guys who post fake pictures, say they're doing things that they're not doing, and say they intend to do something that they never do.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you can't do something, don't tell a sir that you "will" do it or "are" doing it. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you say you won't do something, don't do that thing.

If something comes up that forces a change, especially if it's outside your control, say so as quickly as you know it. Circumstances change, and everyone has bad days. You can't foresee everything that might go wrong. But when something goes wrong, say so now, not three days after you didn't do the thing you said you'd do. Fix errors. Set realistic expectations, and if you can't honor them, reset the expectations.

Some people are going to read this and think I'm talking directly to them, but I'm not. This is general advice. A lot of the responsibility of a BDSM relationship rests on the shoulders of the dominant, and the best thing a submissive guy can do to help him out is to be reliable. Don't make the dom wonder if what you said is true or not, or if you'll do what you said you would do. Make sure that your word is your bond.

I can't think of a single thing a boy can do that will help him explore his sexuality more than this. Other than "look like Brad Pitt and have low standards," but that's not something everyone can do. Everyone can be reliable.