On indecisiveness

Submissives often wonder how the dominant mind works and how they can submit better, so every now and then, I offer unsolicited free advice that is worth at least as much as you paid for it. (Guarantee: if this advice doesn't work for you, call your ISP and ask for a refund for the bandwidth you required to load this page. I guarantee I'll enjoy imagining you doing that.)

New subs usually have difficulty working up the nerve to actually submit to a master (or, I suppose, mistress, but that's outside my experience). Even experienced subs don't always say "YES SIR!" and fall to their knees. This stuff is scary, and it's supposed to be. By definition, it's not exciting if it's boring. No risk, no reward. Pick your cliché.

On the other hand, I've seen more than one younger sub (18-24) look at another younger sub who is collared and owned and think, "Damn, how did he manage that? Why can't I find a master or dominant to teach me?"

I'd bet you at least 50-50 that the difference between the owned sub and the unowned sub is that, when presented with a decision to submit or not, the owned sub decided to submit. He went for it.

Much of the time it's not much more complicated than that.

In the past week, I've put two boys to that test—one a semi-local boy who's submitted before but not in a while, and one a more experienced sub who's submitted here before and was working up to it again. In both cases, but for entirely different reasons, they were happier leaving actual in-person contact unresolved, preferring to think about the submission than actually submit.

And that's fine—it's not my place to judge, and I try not to. (I don't always succeed, since I'm human and all that.) In this particular time and place, "thinking about it" wasn't working for me. I told them, in effect, to decide: in or out? If you're in, you're going to submit. If you're out, you don't get to dither about it for weeks and weeks and then maybe play. At this particular time, that doesn't work for me. I want to know if they're in or out.

Both of them chose "out," and one of them regretted it instantly (and still does), but he's out anyway. In all BDSM encounters, actions must have consequences, and the consequences for his decision to be "out" is that he doesn't get to think about playing here. (I think the other's decision is probably more valid, but I think that for those reasons, the deliberations shouldn't have gotten as far as they did. I've told him as much, and he understands my position.)

If you want to submit to a man, then you have to submit when the opportunity presents itself. You generally know pretty early on if you feel safe with any dom you're considering (and who is considering you), but it's never going to be without fear. Even if you've ridden the roller coaster a hundred times, you're gonna feel that rush of adrenaline as you top (no pun intended) the first hill. If you don't, why would you ride it again?

When a dom puts you to the decision point, it's time to stop dithering and submit. If you need more time, you can ask for more time—but most doms I know will respond with "how much time do you need?" If you can't answer that in 15 seconds, you don't need more time—you're just scared. Two more days, two more weeks, or two more months won't make you any less scared, and when your extra time passes, you're going to be right back at the same decision point with the same choice: go through with it, or walk away.

Don't get me wrong—there's nothing wrong with walking away, not even in the slightest. It's just that when you walk away, you can't then honestly wonder why other boys have masters or owners and you don't, because you know why you don't. You didn't go for it when you had the chance.

Only you know if that decision is right for you. All I'm asking is that you stop pretending it's all stacked against you by forces outside your control. It's not. It's your choice. Make it and live with it.