"Gee, this room is dead."

There's nothing more annoying than people whose entire conversation in a chat room is about how quiet the room is, or who demand responses when they've said nothing more than "hello." (Or, in the case of something like the Leather room, "I like leather." So does everyone else in the room. That's why they named it the Leather room.)

You know why it's quiet? Because no one is chatting.

You know why no one is chatting? Because no one's saying anything that anyone else can respond to. Sorry, but I have no response to "Hi" other than to say "hello" back to you. You like leather? Good for you! So do I, but you must know that since I'm in the Leather room. And then I'm out of responses.

You want chat? Chat! It's a chat room! Talk about something interesting and people will probably respond. Talk about how everyone else sucks because they're not entertaining you and people will probably think, "God, what an asshole" and not want to say anything to you.

Chat rooms are self-service. Complaining that there's no chat in a chat room is like going to a grocery store and complaining that other people aren't putting food in your cart. That's not why the other people are there.

While you're at it, please get over the idea that a given chat room exists exactly as you define it. If you're there for hook-ups, more power to you, but quit bitching that some people aren't (unless the room is named something like "The Hook-Up Room"). If you're there to meet friends, great—but don't get mad at people who want hook-ups. It's a public space, and people will use it for different reasons. It's not there for whatever reason you imagine it to be.

You know how a public park is not "only" for picnics or kids playing or sunbathing? It's all those things to the people who come there to do those things. A chat room is the same way: a room named after a given city or state is for anyone in, near, or interested in that city or state. The "Discipline" room is for people interested in discipline from either side, or who just want to meet people who are.

I have this life-size picture of these same idiots who complain about how "dead" a room is going to a park full of sunbathers and loudly bitching that not enough people are having picnics or playing on the slides. You wanna play on the slides? Go right ahead. If you have enough fun, maybe others will join you. If not, quit whining at them for not participating in your fantasy.

You want chat? Chat. It's not brain surgery.

Some random chat observations

Every time I see a sub/boy complaining online that there aren't any dominant men out there, I'm tempted to unload about why I don't take most of them seriously. I've mentioned some before in this category, but I had a few others on my mind tonight, so here you go: reasons why doms (or, at least, me) write off submissives:

• If you post an automatic ad in the chat room (pasting the same ad and repeatedly sending it so "new people in the room" see it) but yet don't respond to private messages, you're presumed to be either fake or shallow.

• Boys who don't have pictures posted but also say they're looking for webcam are obviously full of shit. If you have a webcam, you can post a picture. If you want to keep your identity secret, you're not going to be doing webcam with strangers. You can't have it both ways.

• Boys (well, people in general) who don't respond to "hello" messages in private are saying they're not worth talking to.

  I say that with full awareness that, at times, I do this myself. But for me, it's usually with guys who are looking for a hook-up or cyber sex and who send me private messages despite the fact that:

  1. They have to read my profile to get the password to send a private message, and

  2. That same profile pretty clearly says I don't look for cybersex or hookups, and

  3. My chat status on gay.com is almost always set to "Not Looking," which I repeatedly have to point out to some people who keep messaging me with "Woof!" or "I'M READY SIR" or other such messages that make me believe they didn't read anything at all.

  If you're a younger sub who's only looking for masters in a given age range, or geographic area, or body type, then say so in your profile or bio line. If you don't, you'll get messages from others. If I see that you don't want to talk to someone like me, I'm not going to message you, except just for idle chat if you're not busy. If you simply ignore it, don't expect the dom you want to take you seriously when you realize who he is and that you blew off a few of his messages several months ago.

• If you post auto-ads in the chat room such that I can see 2-4 of them in one window, I'm putting you on ignore. I'm quite sure I'm not the only one who does that. Auto-ads are a great way to make sure you never get quality responses.

• It's actually one of my very favorite things when people visiting town stop by the chat room and say hello, ask what's going on, look for tips about where to eat or dance or whatever, and generally show interest in the place they're visiting. So why, exactly, do so many guys come into the rooms for places they're visiting in 2-3 weeks, or 2 months, looking for hookups? Or enter a local chat room as if there was absolutely no gay scene here before they arrived, and therefore their arrival absolutely must be the best thing that ever happened?

  Hint: It's not. The place you're visiting got along fine before you arrived, and will be fine after you leave. No one's indispensable. Everyone likes visitors. No one likes assholes who think that a place can't be cool unless they're present.

I actually want a different observation to have a separate URL, so it'll come in another post. And I may make more of these over time, but they basically boil down to "quit acting like the chat room exists to serve your perceived needs." If people talk to you, respond. If you don't want to talk to them, make clear why before they even start and save everyone the trouble. Be clear and we'll all be happier.

On indecisiveness

Submissives often wonder how the dominant mind works and how they can submit better, so every now and then, I offer unsolicited free advice that is worth at least as much as you paid for it. (Guarantee: if this advice doesn't work for you, call your ISP and ask for a refund for the bandwidth you required to load this page. I guarantee I'll enjoy imagining you doing that.)

New subs usually have difficulty working up the nerve to actually submit to a master (or, I suppose, mistress, but that's outside my experience). Even experienced subs don't always say "YES SIR!" and fall to their knees. This stuff is scary, and it's supposed to be. By definition, it's not exciting if it's boring. No risk, no reward. Pick your cliché.

On the other hand, I've seen more than one younger sub (18-24) look at another younger sub who is collared and owned and think, "Damn, how did he manage that? Why can't I find a master or dominant to teach me?"

I'd bet you at least 50-50 that the difference between the owned sub and the unowned sub is that, when presented with a decision to submit or not, the owned sub decided to submit. He went for it.

Much of the time it's not much more complicated than that.

In the past week, I've put two boys to that test—one a semi-local boy who's submitted before but not in a while, and one a more experienced sub who's submitted here before and was working up to it again. In both cases, but for entirely different reasons, they were happier leaving actual in-person contact unresolved, preferring to think about the submission than actually submit.

And that's fine—it's not my place to judge, and I try not to. (I don't always succeed, since I'm human and all that.) In this particular time and place, "thinking about it" wasn't working for me. I told them, in effect, to decide: in or out? If you're in, you're going to submit. If you're out, you don't get to dither about it for weeks and weeks and then maybe play. At this particular time, that doesn't work for me. I want to know if they're in or out.

Both of them chose "out," and one of them regretted it instantly (and still does), but he's out anyway. In all BDSM encounters, actions must have consequences, and the consequences for his decision to be "out" is that he doesn't get to think about playing here. (I think the other's decision is probably more valid, but I think that for those reasons, the deliberations shouldn't have gotten as far as they did. I've told him as much, and he understands my position.)

If you want to submit to a man, then you have to submit when the opportunity presents itself. You generally know pretty early on if you feel safe with any dom you're considering (and who is considering you), but it's never going to be without fear. Even if you've ridden the roller coaster a hundred times, you're gonna feel that rush of adrenaline as you top (no pun intended) the first hill. If you don't, why would you ride it again?

When a dom puts you to the decision point, it's time to stop dithering and submit. If you need more time, you can ask for more time—but most doms I know will respond with "how much time do you need?" If you can't answer that in 15 seconds, you don't need more time—you're just scared. Two more days, two more weeks, or two more months won't make you any less scared, and when your extra time passes, you're going to be right back at the same decision point with the same choice: go through with it, or walk away.

Don't get me wrong—there's nothing wrong with walking away, not even in the slightest. It's just that when you walk away, you can't then honestly wonder why other boys have masters or owners and you don't, because you know why you don't. You didn't go for it when you had the chance.

Only you know if that decision is right for you. All I'm asking is that you stop pretending it's all stacked against you by forces outside your control. It's not. It's your choice. Make it and live with it.