Signing out.

I noted last time that it's been more than two years since I went into a public chat room on gay.com, and that I don't miss it. I have, however, continued to use gay.com, as well as AIM, Yahoo, and MSN for private messages.

I might as well have been beating my face with a rock. It would have been less painful and taken less time.

I have real and true friends that I've met through gay.com and other IM services, but they're a tiny, tiny minority of those to whom I chat. Most of them are "fakes or flakes," to use an old cliché that normally I would despise, but I have nothing better. Guys who play here refuse to admit that they know me. Half the guys who chat are nothing but picture trolls. They won't help their own friends (and I mean guys other than me) if it's inconvenient or cracks their closet open even slightly.

About a year ago, I wrote about a local boy whom I called "Boy." He was collared and in chastity both by my wishes and his own request. That had to end because of external obligations, but he had an infection I couldn't be around at the time the devices had to come off, so I had to ask someone else to go remove the collar and chastity device from him. I haven't seen him since, tho I've chatted with him often. Last fall, I had to check him because he had talked about coming out here to play ten separate times, and yet every time it managed not to happen at the last minute for some reason, ranging from similar external obligations to skipping out on a scheduled play session because, 3 hours before, "I just didn't feel like it."

Even with this, he's talked about wanting long-term (6-9 months) chastity before - it's only that he "can't" do it. He can't do his work or meet external obligations if he's in a CB-3000, he said - too many risks, too uncomfortable for his work and exercise, etc.

Saturday night, in chat, he idly mentioned that he's "in talks" to enter long-term chastity. With another dom. Using a much heavier, much less comfortable device. So, like so many other things, it turns out he actually can do it - just not with me.

And that's just it for me. That's the last straw. I'm tired of talking to guys and feeling bad when the chat ends, so bad that I wish I'd never started it in the first place. I'm tired of realizing I can't trust anyone online.

I've been talking with an extremely sweet local college boy who wants to be a slave. For the most part, it's been wonderful. I really like him and think that he likes me as well - that he likes me and not just the idea of sex in bondage, which is 99% of what I get from guys online. But he's newly out and very scared of it, and right now may not be his time for submission. After the way everyone else has turned out in the past few months, I'm pretty sure that if this is not his time, and I find out after 2-3 sessions, I would not be able to handle it. On top of everything else, that would push me over the edge.

So I'm out. I cleaned out the gay.com profile, and I'm offline there and on the other IM services until further notice. I'm not saying how long, but we're not talking a break of a few days. With a few exceptions (and you know who you are because I've talked to you today or you're a big goofball from an island somewhere far away), you people bring me nothing but pain and misery. While that just may be a hobby for you while you're in your land of self-absorption, it hurts me, and I'm not signing up for any more of it.

See ya around.

Why believing chat boys is a bad idea

So I get up this morning after 5 hrs sleep because my schedule is fucked. I put the spare computer on gay.com to see if any friends are there, and I see a new name, "Billy_The_kid_".

I click on the guy's pic, and he's 18 and looking cocky, and his bio line says "I've two six guns, meaning I can take 12 of you trolls out that bother me. Who'll be first?" Aside from the attitude and adverb problems, he lists his location as "Cheesecake Factory." So now, despite the warning signs, I'm interested for a few reasons:

• My late grandmother, a noted nutcase, insisted we were related to William Bonney (Billy the Kid). Or maybe it was Jesse James; I sometimes don't remember which parts of her nuttiness were toasted and which were plain.



• The actual restaurant chain, The Cheesecake Factory, just opened its first restaurant in my area a few months ago. They always have long lines because they have a huge menu of creative entrees (and a lot of cheesecake). The chain's slogan is "Something for Everyone!" This is not true - there's nothing for me. I have dietary restrictions (unrelated to weight, in case you're wondering), and I can't eat very much of a common dietary element or, well, I might die. You can think of it like a nut allergy if you want - it's not, but it's similar. I won't die instantly if I eat any of it, but if I eat too much of it, it's bad news. Ain't no cheesecake on earth worth that.
  
  I have to know how much of this common ingredient is in food or I can't eat it, but The Cheesecake Factory refuses to disclose nutritional information, saying only that they "use only the freshest and finest ingredients available." Fresh poisons are still poisons.
  
  I don't expect the cheesecake to be low-fat, but I have to know how much of my sensitivity ingredient is in anything before I eat it. If his location of "Cheesecake Factory" is real, meaning he works at the restaurant, I wanted to put that bug in his ear.



• Even if it wasn't real, and if it had anything to do with actual cheesecake, at the time I sent the message, the brand-new 2007 season of America's Test Kitchen was starting on the local public TV station. It's from the editor's of Cook's Illustrated magazine (possibly the best food magazine around), and the subject of this 2007 premiere was - low-fat cheesecake. Just seemed like too much of a coincidence not to mention if the location had anything to do with actual cheesecake, and didn't mean "cheesecake" in the slang sense of "I'm hot shit and I know it and I'm better than you because of it."

Of course, it was the last one that he meant. Here's a complete transcript of the chat:

[10:37 AM] [Buzzer1] cheesecake factory? really?

[10:37 AM] [billy_the_kid_] Sorry : I am busy or away



[10:45 AM] [billy_the_kid_] get lost you porker ass freak

You have to wonder how much of a rich and complex world fools like this guy miss because all he thinks about is how undeserving other people are of seeing his cock.

As of this weekend, it's been two years since I went into a public gay.com chat room, and it's not hard to see why I don't miss it in the slightest.

Merry Christmas

Has it really been a year since I started this? And months since I said anything of import? I haven't been in the greatest health for the past few months - what I thought was a temporary annual illness turned out to be an important body part not working as it should. (No, I'm not talking about the only body part that seems important on gay.com.) It's been life-changing in some ways, but not in others - there are things I can't do anymore, there are more pills to take, there are major dietary changes, and there's no promise any of it will ever get better.

What do I have? I have today, and probably tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll have that day and probably the next day. If something goes wrong, it will probably just be like a switch flipping, and from that point on, my life either changes further or ends. I can't control that; I can only do what the doctors tell me to try to keep it from getting any worse, and so far, that seems to be on track. There's no promise it'll be this way in a year, there's no promise it won't be a lot better in ten years. It's just a new part of life to deal with.

That, plus getting older, has led me to make some changes, probably long overdue.

• I'd mentioned before that I tend to be way, way too patient with boys who are fakes, or who pretend they don't know me around others, or who think that I should feel privileged just because they're thinking about playing with me.
  
  When I was but a wee lad, I was told over and over that I had no patience and that it was a horrible flaw. As a result, I overcompensated (of course), and now exhibit almost Job-like patience in situations where I should have walked away long ago. The newer (older) me is ending some of that.
  
  
  • For the first time in years and years, I've put some people on my own permanent blacklist - guys who will never come to play here, no matter what they say or do. At present, there are all of three guys on this list. One has played here before, and once upon a time, I cared very much for him - more than I had for any boy in many years, and more than I have for any boy since. I've held out hope for the longest time that he'd conquer his particular demons, but I've finally had to admit that he will not.
    
    I still suspect he has a good heart, but it's completely controlled by his own psychopathology, and I use that in the clinical sense: he has no empathy for others, be they subs, doms, friends, lovers, whatever. He is literally incapable of putting himself in another's shoes. When he wants to submit, it's only about what he wants to do. When he wants to dominate, it's only about what he wants. Whatever you get from him is merely a side effect of him acting on his own desires - if you can orgasm from him fucking you, great, but if you can't, too bad. If he's submitting, he doesn't want to be fucked, so if that's what the dom wants, too bad - it's all about his wants, not anyone else's, no matter what his role.
    
    I've held out hope for years that it was just his time in an extremely repressive closet responsible for all this and that eventually he would find his bearings. After one more teeth-grinding chat last month, though, it's become clear to me that this is not going to happen before I start drawing Social Security, and I simply can't leave him in my heart as if he'll heal. So he's the first one on the new blacklist - he cannot reach me by chat, and if he did, I would not respond. If he arrived at the door, I would not answer. He and I have gone through these ups and downs too long, and he seems to have written me off years ago. I've tried about once a year to see what could be salvaged, and now I must finally admit the answer is "nothing."
  
  
  
  • The second is a local guy who has never played here. I like him a lot - in fact, I've liked him since the first time we chatted. He's gregarious, interested, interesting, smart, good-looking, friendly, and sympathetic. I've enjoyed our chats. Yet he's been talking about coming here to play "soon" for close to four years, and every time it's supposed to happen, he backs out. He hasn't asked to meet me in different circumstances, he hasn't asked to set limits I won't set, he hasn't provided any reasons why he doesn't want to play - he just says he does and then never actually does. The clinical word for this is "cocktease."
    
    I still like him, but after actually setting a date and time that he backed out of, I came to accept that he's always going to string me along. So he's blocked now, too. I'm sure he will submit to someone, somewhere, someday, and enjoy himself tremendously. It won't be here, and it won't be with me.
  
  
  
  • The third boy is hardly worth mentioning - a new-but-local boy who has owners and offered and accepted friendship, then changed his mind. You know the story: boy chats dom, boy assumes dom wants him, dom makes clear boy would not be happy with dom, boy assumes that by having said this, dom is pursuing him. I asked him several times if he wanted to stop chatting, and he never said yes or no. In the final chat, he ultimately revealed that he was just being meaner and meaner to me to see what it took to piss me off - treating me like some kind of Sim character for his amusement because he's young and cute and I'm not. That wasn't a difficult call. He's still absolutely convinced he'll hear from me within a month. He doesn't know as much as he thinks he does.
  
  
  
  • A fourth one is in the staging area - another local boy, who's been here several times this year, but I find it harder and harder to deal with his immaturity. He's quick to assume the worst about me, he's dismissive of things I tell him based on two decades of BDSM experience (and, I believe, just assumes I'm trying to get him to play here, which I'm not), he's rudely dismissed me on multiple occasions, and the last time I saw him in person (in the real world, not in the playroom), he made eye contact for about three seconds, then said nothing and kept walking.
    
    The only reason he's not out of limbo and onto the permanent list is that I'm fond of him - I have some emotional attachment, even though he's not a permanent-sub type and never ever will be. Let me put it this way: last week, I told this guy's boyfriend, who I've known longer, "I would rather never have sex again in my entire life than feel like a boy is compromising to be here, like he's settling for something or that he's doing me a favor." This boy clearly feels that being here is a compromise, that he'd like the play but with someone he finds more attractive. That's why I haven't asked him about play in several months - combined with the fact that the last time I did, he made it precisely clear that he has a priority list and I'm not anywhere on the first 5-6 pages. (And yet guys tell me things like that and still think I want them here.)
    
    So I'll have to think about him for a while. He's quick to say things to hurt me when he doesn't like something I've said, and I just have to wonder how much of my post-medical-change life I want to spend accommodating people who obviously and repeatedly assume that if I say something that can be taken two ways, that I meant it in the way intended to hurt them. Why would you even think I wanted you in my life if your default position is that I intend to hurt you?
  
  
  
• As for the last post, well, ignore it. I've been running searches on gay.com for guys into BDSM, and much of the time, gay.com is wrong to the point of being random. The search seems to be inclusive rather than restrictive: if you say you want guys who are "Receiver/Bottom" and into "Bondage/Discipline" and "S&M", it seems to include everyone who matches one of those criteria, not the ones who match all of them. I get that to a degree: you want it to return matches for guys who check "BD" but not "SM" and vice-versa, but it also means a lot of the matches are guys who just checked "Receiver/Bottom". A great many search results are guys who don't have any of the criteria checked - they're just guys in the right age range and specified geographical area. That's worse than useless.
  
  I've tried saying "hello" to some of the ones who seem more likely to actually be interested in BDSM, but probably 2/3rds of those get no reply at all. Some of the ones who have responded have seemed to be very good boys, but in the end, they turn out to be fakes or flakes - they either fess up to being complete frauds, or they simply stop talking. Three boys in the past two months who proclaimed my ownership have been that way, including the subject of the last post. He may still be for real, still mean and believe it - but since he stopped talking after saying he was mine, there's no way for me to tell. (It seems that every boy who claims to have a BDSM hypno trigger is a fake, as far as I can tell. I used to be pretty good at figuring out the fakers who just wanted cybersex, but clearly my skills need sharpening.)



• I should mention, however, that I've had some fruitful chats by searching for young doms online. True, many of them just ignore "hello" because they're young and hott and I'm nott, but a lot of them actually start to talk about experiences, desires, BDSM theory, application, and other great topics. It's obviously not about cybersex but about sharing the safe, sane, and consensual interest. That's kept a little faith going for me.



• As part of the pullback, I'm harder to reach by IM. Most of the time, as far as most people are concerned, I'm not even online. I open up IM to others for an hour or two a day, and if I don't hear from anyone, I close it off again and go on with other things (it's not like my day is organized around chatting - it's something I do when a machine/screen space is available). I reworked my gay.com profile to contain the password necessary to chat with me on that service, so horny assholes unwilling to read the profile no longer make it past the gate by pretending they have. (However, since I haven't subjected myself to the drama of a gay.com public room in two years, you still have to be a premium member to initiate chat with me on there. If you want to reach me but can't, reply to the profile. It works.)



• It's not all bad - one new boy played here this season, and seems to have enjoyed himself, though he's putting off coming back and I've stopped asking him. Another boy whom I consider a friend started to come play again but stopped about ten times, so I stopped asking him as well. Maybe in January or February he'll figure out how to drive 35 miles without needing GPS help or a survival kit.
  
  And I have talked to a few local guys who are not yet obviously fakes or flakes, though I'm obviously not ruling that out. One local boy seems ready to try most everything except that one thing. I neither blame him nor rule him out for that, but it seems to be a big sign of the "I'm not going to play if the result is something that, if seen by the kinkiest person in the world, might make him guess that I was kinky myself" problem. I'm not going to re-enter that particular closet. I have no desire to make a boy of any age (18-99) wear a leash in public with the word "slave" written on his forehead, but neither do I want every single act of submission or dominance caught in the "could someone possibly imagine these results came from kinky actions" filter. That's like trying to have sex in a cold shower.

So, there you go, after one year and a lot of changes. Much remains the same, much is different with no going back. What I said in chat last week to that one guy is true, though: I'd rather do without from now on than feel that another guy was "compromising" to be with me. If you'd rather be somewhere else, I'd rather you be somewhere else too. I don't care how big your cock is, or how tight your ass or your abs or your calves, or how much experience you have. If you'd rather be doing it with someone hotter or younger or more like your fantasy man, I'd rather you do that instead.

I don't know how much time I have left, but even if it's several decades, it's not enough time to be anyone's second choice, much less somewhere on page 7 of the things that interest you. The list of things to love in life beyond being someone's backup or "default choice" is far too wide and wondrous to spend time hoping you can't find what you want. If I'm not what you want, you're not what I want. Whether you believe that or not does not change its accuracy.

Currently playing in iTunes: Lyin Eyes by The Eagles

I seem to own a new boy

and what's more, I got him sight unseen. :-)

We'll see how it all works out, but there's symbols and everything, so who knows? He seems very sweet so far, but I haven't kicked his tires yet. Call me cautiously optimistic.

Nevermind.

A new law of chat

In addition to these noted last year:

• Any boy who's expressed a sub interest in chat but says "BRB - on the phone" is not interested unless he responds again within 10 minutes. Most of them just don't have the balls or the decency to say so, but some of them are deliberately playing you in an attempt to get more "hott" ideas (and, if they're really lucky, pictures) out of you before they whack off to the A&F catalog.

Ten minutes. Mark my words.

The local "subs" don't like it when you don't fall all over them

I just had an online encounter with an in-state "boy" who says he's submissive and interested in bondage. Apparently, as far as he's concerned, that's all he should have to say for me to completely fawn over him, offer him whatever he wants, and be the "bondage service" described in the last post. He wants to be tied up, therefore, I, as someone who's not in college and hot like him, should just ignore what I want and do whatever he wants. Even if he doesn't know what that is. And asking what it might be is "rude" on my part, he said.

No setting limits ahead of time but vetoing everything as it happens? That's not submitting at all, I told him, and "most doms, including me, aren't interested in that."

Him: congrats, but that doesnt help someone like me

Me: what does?

Me: and I don't need the "congrats" snark - I'm taking the time to try to explain some of the concepts you've asked about

Him: fuck you!! Im through

Me: good luck to you

God save the BDSM world from subs who think they're doing people favors by thinking about submitting.

I need to be more selfish

That's an odd start to the first post here in nearly two months - especially from a BDSM dominant, since we're "supposed" to be the most selfish people out there, right? It's all about the Master, the slave merely serves the Master's needs, the Master gets whatever he wants, right?

Typically, not so much. The acknowledged experts in our lifestyle, from Larry Townsend to Joseph W. Bean to Jack Rinella, all repeatedly and eloquently note that a BDSM relationship is two-way, just like any other. The sub/slave finds his needs met in serving the Master; the Master finds his needs met in allowing the slave to serve. Slaves often obsess over things the Master wants and does with them (like this, for example), but Masters often wind up "using" their slaves in ways that are far more satisfying for the slave than the Master.

If the slave has a huge jones for bootlicking, the Master often lets him do it, even if the Master doesn't really care one way or the other about boots or feet. Or the Master may keep the slave in chastity because it does a lot of good for the slave, even if the Master would just as soon see the slave cum more often.

That's all well and good. BDSM is a two-way relationship, and the Master who minimizes or ignores his slave's gift of service does so at his own peril. On the other hand, it's all too easy for a Master to become too accommodating, making the scene entirely about what the slave wants and not about what the Master wants.

I'm not just talking about things like that, either. I regularly get interest from local boys who want to get all up with Teh Kink, but their list of limits is a mile long. I've actually had guys want me to bind them in a BDSM context with all of the following restrictions:

• No oral


• No anal (including toys and fingers)


• No gags


• No blindfolds


• No pain of any kind


• No permanent or temporary marks


• Being released immediately upon saying so

The second one isn't as common, but the others are. Basically, these boys think a Master with a reasonably well equipped dungeon is some kind of "bondage service" - they go to the dungeon, get tied up exactly how they want and get fucked (or sucked or jacked off), then they get released and go home.

Historically, I've not been a big believer in making slaves stay on their knees in my presence, and I usually don't have the patience to train a just-occasional boy to say "Sir" in every sentence, but without those clear signs of dominance some "slaves" take it way too far in the other direction.

I need to be more selfish by making it clear to subs and wannabe-subs everywhere that I am not a bondage service - if you get to play here, you are expected to serve my needs and wants. If the process of doing that doesn't serve your needs and wants, then don't come serve.

I need to be more selfish by not going out of my way to create situations that serve a slave's needs but not my own. I need to stop getting emotionally involved in providing comfort and a BDSM safety net to guys who refuse to even acknowledge that they know me around their twink vanilla friends.

I need to stop making the closet-level mistake of thinking that the wrong relationship is better than no relationship, particularly in thinking from time to time that having someone in bondage is better than having no one in bondage. It's not, any more than a gay guy choosing the easy route of being with a girl is "better" than being gay and alone. In fact, it's just wrong.

I enjoy being there for guys who are there for me. I need to be more selfish and let those who would deny me in public go their own way - I'm not a member of the BDSM closet-enabling group.

I'm not saying I won't accept limits from now on, or that only experienced slaves need apply from now on. I'm saying that I am who I am, and if you want to play here, you want to serve me. If you don't want to serve me, you don't want to play here. It's not my obligation or responsibility to explain to you the clear meaning of my words when you're hyper-defensive, or to talk you into anything, or to forego what I like so you can have what you like.

It's not all about what I want, but if I'm your BDSM Master, it ought to be at least half about what I want. If you won't serve me, or at least stand up and be counted as being with me, then why should I stand up for you?

I need to be more selfish. I'm working on it.

A question for all boys

(and not to any particular boy, so don't overwork your imaginations)


What does it say to the world when you have to be reminded to keep your word?

Updates and non-news

I'm still around, but there's not much to report. Boy never made it back before leaving for a military obligation, though we had tried to set it up. Other boys/friends are supposed to return borrowed equipment any day now.

The bummer news is that I very seriously considered going to IML this year, but about a month ago, I found out I have a family obligation next weekend that will preclude it. It's not like heart-breaking bummer news - I don't go to BDSM conventions much, and I have no boy to take with me this year, but I need a vacation and I was curious about going.

It was never a "contest" - it's kind of like finding out your brother's getting married on Super Bowl weekend when you had a shot at tickets. You go to the wedding and you're glad to go, but you do wonder what would have happened if they'd chosen another date.

(On the other hand, I was not informed of this family obligation until about the day before I purchased my IML plane tickets, so had they waited 3 more days to tell me, I might not be going to see family after all. Family assumes you know things about their schedules. Family is wrong.)

The better news is that there's still a chance, though a remote one, that I can see a boy that I've played with before next weekend anyway. He's the one I described as "smart, open about his BDSM heart without letting it control his life, willing to try scary new things with a trusted partner, and unafraid to face his nature without blinking" way back in this post. The distance I have to travel for the family obligation is about halfway to where he and his husband/master/lover live, so we're exploring the chances of getting together.

It's not at all certain, since they're naturally reluctant to submit to an "outsider" in their own home, and I heartily approve of such caution. I think it was Larry Townsend who set the #1 rule of BDSM as "Don't let anyone you don't trust implicitly tie you up in your own home." It's stuck with me forever. I tend to phrase it in my own mind as "If you wouldn't give them a key to your house, don't let them tie you up there without an extremely safe backup plan."

I know that in some cases (or, like here, in some locales), traveling to submit isn't always possible. I think you can play safely as sub in your own home, but only if you add backups like safe calls to friends, check-ins from sympathetic friends, or even some significant restriction on the dom. (One idea: locking the dom's wallet, car keys, return plane tickets, or whatever else he needs to leave in a safe to which he does not have the combination. This, obviously, would not rule out extreme malice, but could work for a partner you trust. Never ever ever ever get tied up in your own home by anyone you don't know backwards and forwards.)

So, yeah, we're not sure if that can work out at all, and since it's just the rules and nothing personal, I harbor no ill-will if it doesn't happen. "No" is a perfectly fair answer, though I'd definitely prefer "yes." :-)

Other than that, not a lot going on here. Oh, one more thing, if you're following the saga of me: back in this post, I talked about a former club-kid boy who had spoken to me for 3+ years only to cut me off after he'd gotten everything he wanted from me. I heard from him about a month ago, for the first time since about a month before that post. I didn't even know who it was at first - he'd changed screen names yet again and hadn't told me the new one, since he hadn't spoken to me in two months before that date.

He'd had some kind of medical procedure done, and apparently felt that being loopy on the drugs gave him enough "courage" for him to tell me that he wanted me to apologize to him. He felt it was unfair that when he told me not to talk to him about BDSM anymore, and when he said he didn't intend to come back here in person to return the things he'd borrowed, that he could just mail them back which was always the backup plan anyway. He felt he had been very magnanimous to "let me" do some BDSM initiation tasks for him on behalf of his new master, and that when he decided not to talk to me about a primary topic of our friendship anymore, I was "rude" to not just go along with that and help him with whatever else he needed.

He said he was hurt. I said "join the club." He couldn't imagine how I could be hurt. I pointed him to the story. He said, "Well, I tried." I said, "Yeah, don't read it or anything." He went to read it.

Five minutes later, he said "OMG." He said he never meant to hurt me or make me feel used. He said he was crying and had to go. I said, "It's not my intention to make you cry," but he had already logged off.

I haven't seen him online since.

Off the top

I was too slammed last week to write anything here, and I was getting a bit concerned that everything was dark and moody and "all sub boys suck." So, today, let's talk about an ongoing BDSM topic: what's the big deal about shaving a sub boy's head?

As noted early on, I believe that a sub boy should accept, if not necessarily welcome, that his dom may shave the boy's head. I said earlier that it's a sign of submission that doesn't go away overnight, and that's a good thing. But this past week, a couple of guys (one dom, one sub for non-sexual reasons) asked the equivalent of a question I've heard way too many times about this:

Isn't there something else you could do instead?

Well, yeah, of course there's something any dom could do instead of anything else. I could do anything else I wanted within the agreed-upon limits, from having 12 hours of hot monkey sex to baking a lasagna for him. But just as the point of being submissive is that you let the dominant guy do what he wants with you, the point of being dominant is that you do what you want with the sub, within the agreed-upon limits.

So why might I want to shave a boy's head?

First, I find it erotic. When I was in junior high, I saw a TV news report of some high school boys who were not-quite-willingly getting buzzcuts, back at a time when it was nowhere near fashionable and not even an act of rebellion. It was one of those things that started to awaken the dom within, and those early erotic experiences always shape you more than you think.

That said, it's not always the "big deal" it used to be. Short hair and shaved heads are now (and still) fashionable for guys. A large number of guys, though I think fewer gay guys, shave their heads at some point in junior high through college just to do it. I really think that's a good thing - I think everyone should have to do it at least once. Once you can deal with having a buzzed or shaved head, your hair just won't freak you out anymore. Guys who've never had it done and have longer hair tend to obsess over their hair, going nuts over almost any imperfection in it. I just don't think that's a good use of a guy's mental energy. :-)

Even so, most sub boys who realize they're gay first and sub later not only have not had their heads shaved, they're quite scared of it. A boy who starts to explore his sexuality in the clubs and fashion circles wraps up a lot of his self-worth in a uniform, All-American Male appearance. It is frightening how many gay boys on services like gay.com identify themselves by clothing brands. The thought of all that changing in a few minutes scares the crap out of them.

This is not all that unusual - most things that can happen to a new sub boy can scare the crap out of him. No matter how much you know you need to be tied up and dominated, going to a dom's dungeon (or bedroom) and being restrained for the first time is nerve-wracking.

If you've wanted to be spanked, for example, and you finally get tied up and start getting paddled, and it starts to hurt, and you realize you can't get away and can't stop it, it's a real moment of personal truth. You might even panic - but do you want your panic to control the scene, or do you want to have to take it like you always wanted, and trust that the dom you've chosen? It's his job to push you past where you thought you could go, and maybe even push you over the edge as long as he catches you while you fall. If you let your panic end the scene, you'll never know.

But fear goes beyond the immediate. Many of the sub boys I've known have fantasies or at least thoughts of being owned boys, with varying ideas of a "normal" life beyond their service to their masters. Not too many boys are actively seeking a 24/7 "keep me locked in a cage and use me all the time" life as a slave, but a lot of them would like to submit more often than not - be collared, maybe chastized, be a slave just beneath the surface.

The problem here is that most of these boys, while "out" as gay men to their friends and family, usually want to keep their BDSM interest in the closet. It's socially acceptable to be gay, but not so much to be gay and into leather. It works out for them because most of the normal signs of submission are normally hidden even by a bathing suit (chastity devices, shaved genitals, paddle marks), can be hidden by normal clothing (a shaved body, whip marks on the back), or can be removed (collars, cuffs, chastity devices, anklets).

Even in those rare cases where a dom sends a sub home with a collar or chastity device that the sub can't remove, the nervous sub keeps reminding himself that it can be removed. And these are boys who want to be collared or otherwise owned, but when it happens, the fear takes over. He keeps telling himself that if he can keep the collar hidden for a few days until he can talk the dom into taking it off, or explain it glibly enough, he'll be "OK." If he's locked in chastity, then he can't date anyone who doesn't understand, but he can avoid dating until he can get out of it. No matter what it is, he can either hide it or get it removed, and everything will be back to "normal."

And, thusly, slaves in training manage to avoid dealing with the fact that they are slaves. I strongly agree that a guy's sexuality is his own business. It's no one else's concern if you are gay or straight or dom or sub or transgendered or anything else. Yet the insidious problem of the closet is that it keeps those in it from really facing their sexuality. A sub boy submits - that's why he's a sub. He can't face that if he spends 80% of his sexual energy worried about how to keep other people from knowing that he submits.

And they worry too much anyway - most people who see a boy wearing a "collar" will only recognize it as some kind of jewelry or fashion statement, but that doesn't stop the boy from constantly reminding himself that everything will be "normal" again once he gets the collar removed. It's not a true comfort zone. It's a fake one, a closet all its own that's no different than gay guys who refuse to go to clubs or hang out with other gay guys lest someone "see" them.

A shaved head demolishes this faux comfort zone.

In reality, a guy with a shaved head is not a big deal in any way. Even if the boy is not "the type" to shave his head, no one's going to know why he did it. Those who had to guess would be ten times more likely to guess "got drunk around the wrong people" than "enslaved by his gay master." Maybe twenty times. His friends may give him crap over it for a while, but most people who see him won't care in the slightest. It's simply not a real-world problem. When you have to explain it, "It's just something I did" or "I'm trying it" tends to work very well, because most people don't care if you shave your head or not. The chances that anyone will figure out you are a slaveboy because you have your head shaved are extremely, extremely small. The only people who might get it are other subs or doms, and they're going to understand.

But it has no undo button. Once the master starts in on the boy with the clippers, the hair is gone, and it's not coming back anytime soon. There's nothing the boy can do to hide it or to pretend it didn't happen - it will be seen, and to at least friends, it must be explained. It busts the door on the closet of denial.

Most sub boys I've known in my life fail to live up to their own potential for happiness because they're scared shitless of people knowing they are or want to be slaveboys. When such a boy gets his head shaved, he's forced to go back out into the world with an innocuous change that he can't deny. It's not jewelry or a device he can remove; it's not something he can hide under clothing. Even if the boy had what most people would call a "buzzcut," it will be 2-3 weeks after his head is shaved before he looks like he has a buzzcut again - presuming the master allows that and doesn't keep the boy's head shaved.

You would not believe how many boys, over the years, have said to me, "I wouldn't mind having my head shaved if it could grow back in a day or two." They're terrified that people in the "real world" will see into their closet, even though it really never happens. The boy doesn't have to tell his friends, "my master decided I needed my head shaved," unless the master orders it (I never have).

But he does have to deal with the fact that he is a slaveboy, and not pretend otherwise when not actually tied up. Just like gay guys don't really start to grow in and accept their sexuality until they come out to most of the people in their lives, slaveboys don't start to accept that part of their sexuality until they're forced to deal with it. Removable signs and hidden signs of submission never force them to deal with it in the mirror each morning as they get ready to leave. A shaved head does, in just about the only way that's not permanent yet not instantly reversible.

Sure, there are exceptions. Boys who've had their heads shaved before tend not to be so invested in it unless it was long ago and they didn't like it. Of the guys who say they "can't" shave their heads for work or other reasons, about 90% of them are wrong. A shaved head is an interesting haircut in terms of personal dynamics: if you wear it with your head held high and walk with confidence, it's a very powerful look for any job - sales, waiter, anything. If you keep your chin down and your shoulders slumped and act submissively, it makes you look extremely submissive. Yet these same sub boys are used to not acting submissively outside of their master's presence, so again, it's not a problem. They just have to deal with it. (Now, if you're a TV personality or a model or an actor currently playing a part, then yeah, you have some restrictions. The vast majority of sub boys do not have this problem.)

When a boy gets his head shaved by his master, he starts to accept and understand an important part of his sexuality, precisely because he can't remove or hide it like the other symbols of submission. The act itself is extremely dominant for the master, the result is important for the boy. It's almost a BDSM rite of passage. I don't think every boy needs his head shaved every time, and some may never need it. But some do need it, whether they want it or not.

I could do something else - but what would be the point?