No updates for two weeks, bad on me. Haven't had a lot of recreational writing time, for better or (mostly) for worse.
So, as of this moment, Boy is not collared. We knew from the start that he had a medical appointment sometime this month or next that would require removing the collar and other marks of submission, at least for that day and probably for a little longer, since he lives more than half an hour from me and can't get out here more than about once per week. That was planned. I expected that.
I did not expect that I would have to have a proxy remove the collar and other devices on my behalf.
Because he's younger, Boy does not always understand that actions speak louder than words. (Again, for those just surfing the web: in BDSM, boy refers to a BDSM submissive man, whether he's 18 or 65, in the same way that Sir refers to a dominant whether he's 18 or 65. It's about role, not about age. All "boy" and "Sir" references are to consenting adults in all such contexts.) At times, Boy thinks he is supposed to say what I want to hear, and not what is more accurate or more true.
This always leads to problems, and it's been no exception for us. Boy asked for things he wanted to try, but implied that he was sure he wanted them for longer than a trial period. Boy said that certain BDSM events were not that big a deal to him when, in fact, they really were a big deal to him. He's now understanding that if he feeds me bad information, I make bad decisions. When a Sir asks a boy if he can take anymore, the boy had better not turn a true answer like "I want to be able to take more" into "I can take more" if the latter is not true as well. A boy who says he can take more when he can't is going to get hurt. Bad information creates bad decisions.
In this case, Boy wants to be collared, and has said so - but he's also self-conscious about his collar in some settings. He's aware that not being able to remove it has been good for him, but now that it's come off, he's not sure he wants it back on. He's starting to understand more that submission is not just the exciting parts that they write the porn stories about, but remembering those choices daily, accepting that you're not in control of everything, and seeing where that leads you, both physically and emotionally.
Combined with other basic honesty problems, Boy and I are not as close as I want. Boy is a smoker, and I hate tobacco smoke. He's not my 24/7 boy, so I didn't tell him to quit smoking, but I did tell him with crystal clarity never to let me smell it on him. For his second visit, he showed up reeking of smoke - and then lied to me about the cause. (It was not someone else smoking in his vehicle - it was him smoking in his vehicle, and I knew it.)
That was on top of a visit that had been shortened to just a few hours due to his schedule. His next visit after that was to have been last weekend, for most of Saturday, but he elected to go see his family instead. That reduced his potential time here from most of the weekend to just a few hours on either Friday or Sunday. He chose Sunday - and then, when he was supposed to be here, he didn't arrive. I only heard from him hours later. He had an organizational commitment where he lived, and didn't know about it until so late that he couldn't even get there for the start of it.
But for whatever reason, he didn't call and report the problem to me - I just sat here, wondering not only why the visits were getting shorter, but now seemed to be vanishing altogether. I knew the collar had to come off for his medical appointment, but this week, he apparently contracted a contagious illness that, due to family history, I must avoid at nearly all costs, so he couldn't come here to get it removed and I couldn't go to him, either. Another boy and his companion (who wants to be a boy) who live near Boy were gracious enough to come here and get the tools to remove the collar and other devices, and used them to unlock him on Thursday.
The boy and his companion who performed this favor for me were close to being collared as well, just two weeks ago, but backed out at the last minute. They say it wasn't fear, and at times I think they really believe that, but I don't. My canonical example for this is still a boy having his head shaved (and yes, I think boys have to be prepared for that). It's not about the moment in bondage when the master has the boy's hair removed as a sign of his service - it's about the next days and weeks when the boy remains shaved and has to deal with it. It's about realizing that things for you are different now, and taking the difference one day at a time. Collars can come off, piercings can be removed, but hair doesn't grow back instantly. You can't undo it, and you can't pretend it didn't happen. The boy knows some of this; his companion much less so. Yet this is where they need to go next, because it's exactly when the excitement of the session wears off that they start questioning their commitment. It's time for them to find out what that's like.
However, while that's my experienced opinion, it's not my problem. I like them both, but have already told them, "The collar will not be offered again this semester." They may know what that means already, I guess I'll see. This boy, while a great friend and a wonderful boy, has always had difficulty with decisions - not that he doesn't have choices he likes, but that choosing one of them locks out other choices he might like. He's the proverbial kid in the candy store with only $1 - he knows that once he spends it, he can't have anything else, so he stands there all day just staring at the sweets, unable to choose one to the exclusion of others.
He's been talking with Boy for a couple of weeks now, and I start to see some of the same indecision in Boy that this other boy has had for his adult life. One reason I collared Boy, even though he's slightly younger than my preferred age range for a boy, is that he was able to make decisions and commit to them quickly. He was unafraid to go for what he wanted. After a few weeks of talking with the other boy, though, now he's not so sure what he wants. Instead of Boy being a decisive influence on the other boy, the other boy may be an indecisive influence on Boy.
I don't know that's what's happening, but I wonder.
I sincerely hope that Boy wants to be collared again ASAP, but not if it makes him unhappy. I want him to be collared and happy, but if that becomes an either-or question, he has to pick "happy." I believe that taking things one day at a time because of his ownership is very good for Boy. He enjoys being taken to new levels of himself, and even when he doesn't quite know what being owned means, I believe he can feel his collar and know that he's secure and cared for. I believe that the control he cedes to me will reward him in ways that stubborn self-determination - which he's already mastered - cannot.
We'll see in the next few days if Boy is comfortable with both the freedom and limitations of being owned, and how the other boy and his companion manage their ongoing journey. I won't shrivel up and die if I don't own any of them, but they're all fine boys, and I especially have enjoyed owning Boy, except for the miscommunication and the shrinking amount of time I see him. I hope it continues.
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