Merry Christmas

Has it really been a year since I started this? And months since I said anything of import? I haven't been in the greatest health for the past few months - what I thought was a temporary annual illness turned out to be an important body part not working as it should. (No, I'm not talking about the only body part that seems important on gay.com.) It's been life-changing in some ways, but not in others - there are things I can't do anymore, there are more pills to take, there are major dietary changes, and there's no promise any of it will ever get better.

What do I have? I have today, and probably tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll have that day and probably the next day. If something goes wrong, it will probably just be like a switch flipping, and from that point on, my life either changes further or ends. I can't control that; I can only do what the doctors tell me to try to keep it from getting any worse, and so far, that seems to be on track. There's no promise it'll be this way in a year, there's no promise it won't be a lot better in ten years. It's just a new part of life to deal with.

That, plus getting older, has led me to make some changes, probably long overdue.

• I'd mentioned before that I tend to be way, way too patient with boys who are fakes, or who pretend they don't know me around others, or who think that I should feel privileged just because they're thinking about playing with me.
  
  When I was but a wee lad, I was told over and over that I had no patience and that it was a horrible flaw. As a result, I overcompensated (of course), and now exhibit almost Job-like patience in situations where I should have walked away long ago. The newer (older) me is ending some of that.
  
  
  • For the first time in years and years, I've put some people on my own permanent blacklist - guys who will never come to play here, no matter what they say or do. At present, there are all of three guys on this list. One has played here before, and once upon a time, I cared very much for him - more than I had for any boy in many years, and more than I have for any boy since. I've held out hope for the longest time that he'd conquer his particular demons, but I've finally had to admit that he will not.
    
    I still suspect he has a good heart, but it's completely controlled by his own psychopathology, and I use that in the clinical sense: he has no empathy for others, be they subs, doms, friends, lovers, whatever. He is literally incapable of putting himself in another's shoes. When he wants to submit, it's only about what he wants to do. When he wants to dominate, it's only about what he wants. Whatever you get from him is merely a side effect of him acting on his own desires - if you can orgasm from him fucking you, great, but if you can't, too bad. If he's submitting, he doesn't want to be fucked, so if that's what the dom wants, too bad - it's all about his wants, not anyone else's, no matter what his role.
    
    I've held out hope for years that it was just his time in an extremely repressive closet responsible for all this and that eventually he would find his bearings. After one more teeth-grinding chat last month, though, it's become clear to me that this is not going to happen before I start drawing Social Security, and I simply can't leave him in my heart as if he'll heal. So he's the first one on the new blacklist - he cannot reach me by chat, and if he did, I would not respond. If he arrived at the door, I would not answer. He and I have gone through these ups and downs too long, and he seems to have written me off years ago. I've tried about once a year to see what could be salvaged, and now I must finally admit the answer is "nothing."
  
  
  
  • The second is a local guy who has never played here. I like him a lot - in fact, I've liked him since the first time we chatted. He's gregarious, interested, interesting, smart, good-looking, friendly, and sympathetic. I've enjoyed our chats. Yet he's been talking about coming here to play "soon" for close to four years, and every time it's supposed to happen, he backs out. He hasn't asked to meet me in different circumstances, he hasn't asked to set limits I won't set, he hasn't provided any reasons why he doesn't want to play - he just says he does and then never actually does. The clinical word for this is "cocktease."
    
    I still like him, but after actually setting a date and time that he backed out of, I came to accept that he's always going to string me along. So he's blocked now, too. I'm sure he will submit to someone, somewhere, someday, and enjoy himself tremendously. It won't be here, and it won't be with me.
  
  
  
  • The third boy is hardly worth mentioning - a new-but-local boy who has owners and offered and accepted friendship, then changed his mind. You know the story: boy chats dom, boy assumes dom wants him, dom makes clear boy would not be happy with dom, boy assumes that by having said this, dom is pursuing him. I asked him several times if he wanted to stop chatting, and he never said yes or no. In the final chat, he ultimately revealed that he was just being meaner and meaner to me to see what it took to piss me off - treating me like some kind of Sim character for his amusement because he's young and cute and I'm not. That wasn't a difficult call. He's still absolutely convinced he'll hear from me within a month. He doesn't know as much as he thinks he does.
  
  
  
  • A fourth one is in the staging area - another local boy, who's been here several times this year, but I find it harder and harder to deal with his immaturity. He's quick to assume the worst about me, he's dismissive of things I tell him based on two decades of BDSM experience (and, I believe, just assumes I'm trying to get him to play here, which I'm not), he's rudely dismissed me on multiple occasions, and the last time I saw him in person (in the real world, not in the playroom), he made eye contact for about three seconds, then said nothing and kept walking.
    
    The only reason he's not out of limbo and onto the permanent list is that I'm fond of him - I have some emotional attachment, even though he's not a permanent-sub type and never ever will be. Let me put it this way: last week, I told this guy's boyfriend, who I've known longer, "I would rather never have sex again in my entire life than feel like a boy is compromising to be here, like he's settling for something or that he's doing me a favor." This boy clearly feels that being here is a compromise, that he'd like the play but with someone he finds more attractive. That's why I haven't asked him about play in several months - combined with the fact that the last time I did, he made it precisely clear that he has a priority list and I'm not anywhere on the first 5-6 pages. (And yet guys tell me things like that and still think I want them here.)
    
    So I'll have to think about him for a while. He's quick to say things to hurt me when he doesn't like something I've said, and I just have to wonder how much of my post-medical-change life I want to spend accommodating people who obviously and repeatedly assume that if I say something that can be taken two ways, that I meant it in the way intended to hurt them. Why would you even think I wanted you in my life if your default position is that I intend to hurt you?
  
  
  
• As for the last post, well, ignore it. I've been running searches on gay.com for guys into BDSM, and much of the time, gay.com is wrong to the point of being random. The search seems to be inclusive rather than restrictive: if you say you want guys who are "Receiver/Bottom" and into "Bondage/Discipline" and "S&M", it seems to include everyone who matches one of those criteria, not the ones who match all of them. I get that to a degree: you want it to return matches for guys who check "BD" but not "SM" and vice-versa, but it also means a lot of the matches are guys who just checked "Receiver/Bottom". A great many search results are guys who don't have any of the criteria checked - they're just guys in the right age range and specified geographical area. That's worse than useless.
  
  I've tried saying "hello" to some of the ones who seem more likely to actually be interested in BDSM, but probably 2/3rds of those get no reply at all. Some of the ones who have responded have seemed to be very good boys, but in the end, they turn out to be fakes or flakes - they either fess up to being complete frauds, or they simply stop talking. Three boys in the past two months who proclaimed my ownership have been that way, including the subject of the last post. He may still be for real, still mean and believe it - but since he stopped talking after saying he was mine, there's no way for me to tell. (It seems that every boy who claims to have a BDSM hypno trigger is a fake, as far as I can tell. I used to be pretty good at figuring out the fakers who just wanted cybersex, but clearly my skills need sharpening.)



• I should mention, however, that I've had some fruitful chats by searching for young doms online. True, many of them just ignore "hello" because they're young and hott and I'm nott, but a lot of them actually start to talk about experiences, desires, BDSM theory, application, and other great topics. It's obviously not about cybersex but about sharing the safe, sane, and consensual interest. That's kept a little faith going for me.



• As part of the pullback, I'm harder to reach by IM. Most of the time, as far as most people are concerned, I'm not even online. I open up IM to others for an hour or two a day, and if I don't hear from anyone, I close it off again and go on with other things (it's not like my day is organized around chatting - it's something I do when a machine/screen space is available). I reworked my gay.com profile to contain the password necessary to chat with me on that service, so horny assholes unwilling to read the profile no longer make it past the gate by pretending they have. (However, since I haven't subjected myself to the drama of a gay.com public room in two years, you still have to be a premium member to initiate chat with me on there. If you want to reach me but can't, reply to the profile. It works.)



• It's not all bad - one new boy played here this season, and seems to have enjoyed himself, though he's putting off coming back and I've stopped asking him. Another boy whom I consider a friend started to come play again but stopped about ten times, so I stopped asking him as well. Maybe in January or February he'll figure out how to drive 35 miles without needing GPS help or a survival kit.
  
  And I have talked to a few local guys who are not yet obviously fakes or flakes, though I'm obviously not ruling that out. One local boy seems ready to try most everything except that one thing. I neither blame him nor rule him out for that, but it seems to be a big sign of the "I'm not going to play if the result is something that, if seen by the kinkiest person in the world, might make him guess that I was kinky myself" problem. I'm not going to re-enter that particular closet. I have no desire to make a boy of any age (18-99) wear a leash in public with the word "slave" written on his forehead, but neither do I want every single act of submission or dominance caught in the "could someone possibly imagine these results came from kinky actions" filter. That's like trying to have sex in a cold shower.

So, there you go, after one year and a lot of changes. Much remains the same, much is different with no going back. What I said in chat last week to that one guy is true, though: I'd rather do without from now on than feel that another guy was "compromising" to be with me. If you'd rather be somewhere else, I'd rather you be somewhere else too. I don't care how big your cock is, or how tight your ass or your abs or your calves, or how much experience you have. If you'd rather be doing it with someone hotter or younger or more like your fantasy man, I'd rather you do that instead.

I don't know how much time I have left, but even if it's several decades, it's not enough time to be anyone's second choice, much less somewhere on page 7 of the things that interest you. The list of things to love in life beyond being someone's backup or "default choice" is far too wide and wondrous to spend time hoping you can't find what you want. If I'm not what you want, you're not what I want. Whether you believe that or not does not change its accuracy.

Currently playing in iTunes: Lyin Eyes by The Eagles

I seem to own a new boy

and what's more, I got him sight unseen. :-)

We'll see how it all works out, but there's symbols and everything, so who knows? He seems very sweet so far, but I haven't kicked his tires yet. Call me cautiously optimistic.

Nevermind.

A new law of chat

In addition to these noted last year:

• Any boy who's expressed a sub interest in chat but says "BRB - on the phone" is not interested unless he responds again within 10 minutes. Most of them just don't have the balls or the decency to say so, but some of them are deliberately playing you in an attempt to get more "hott" ideas (and, if they're really lucky, pictures) out of you before they whack off to the A&F catalog.

Ten minutes. Mark my words.

The local "subs" don't like it when you don't fall all over them

I just had an online encounter with an in-state "boy" who says he's submissive and interested in bondage. Apparently, as far as he's concerned, that's all he should have to say for me to completely fawn over him, offer him whatever he wants, and be the "bondage service" described in the last post. He wants to be tied up, therefore, I, as someone who's not in college and hot like him, should just ignore what I want and do whatever he wants. Even if he doesn't know what that is. And asking what it might be is "rude" on my part, he said.

No setting limits ahead of time but vetoing everything as it happens? That's not submitting at all, I told him, and "most doms, including me, aren't interested in that."

Him: congrats, but that doesnt help someone like me

Me: what does?

Me: and I don't need the "congrats" snark - I'm taking the time to try to explain some of the concepts you've asked about

Him: fuck you!! Im through

Me: good luck to you

God save the BDSM world from subs who think they're doing people favors by thinking about submitting.

I need to be more selfish

That's an odd start to the first post here in nearly two months - especially from a BDSM dominant, since we're "supposed" to be the most selfish people out there, right? It's all about the Master, the slave merely serves the Master's needs, the Master gets whatever he wants, right?

Typically, not so much. The acknowledged experts in our lifestyle, from Larry Townsend to Joseph W. Bean to Jack Rinella, all repeatedly and eloquently note that a BDSM relationship is two-way, just like any other. The sub/slave finds his needs met in serving the Master; the Master finds his needs met in allowing the slave to serve. Slaves often obsess over things the Master wants and does with them (like this, for example), but Masters often wind up "using" their slaves in ways that are far more satisfying for the slave than the Master.

If the slave has a huge jones for bootlicking, the Master often lets him do it, even if the Master doesn't really care one way or the other about boots or feet. Or the Master may keep the slave in chastity because it does a lot of good for the slave, even if the Master would just as soon see the slave cum more often.

That's all well and good. BDSM is a two-way relationship, and the Master who minimizes or ignores his slave's gift of service does so at his own peril. On the other hand, it's all too easy for a Master to become too accommodating, making the scene entirely about what the slave wants and not about what the Master wants.

I'm not just talking about things like that, either. I regularly get interest from local boys who want to get all up with Teh Kink, but their list of limits is a mile long. I've actually had guys want me to bind them in a BDSM context with all of the following restrictions:

• No oral


• No anal (including toys and fingers)


• No gags


• No blindfolds


• No pain of any kind


• No permanent or temporary marks


• Being released immediately upon saying so

The second one isn't as common, but the others are. Basically, these boys think a Master with a reasonably well equipped dungeon is some kind of "bondage service" - they go to the dungeon, get tied up exactly how they want and get fucked (or sucked or jacked off), then they get released and go home.

Historically, I've not been a big believer in making slaves stay on their knees in my presence, and I usually don't have the patience to train a just-occasional boy to say "Sir" in every sentence, but without those clear signs of dominance some "slaves" take it way too far in the other direction.

I need to be more selfish by making it clear to subs and wannabe-subs everywhere that I am not a bondage service - if you get to play here, you are expected to serve my needs and wants. If the process of doing that doesn't serve your needs and wants, then don't come serve.

I need to be more selfish by not going out of my way to create situations that serve a slave's needs but not my own. I need to stop getting emotionally involved in providing comfort and a BDSM safety net to guys who refuse to even acknowledge that they know me around their twink vanilla friends.

I need to stop making the closet-level mistake of thinking that the wrong relationship is better than no relationship, particularly in thinking from time to time that having someone in bondage is better than having no one in bondage. It's not, any more than a gay guy choosing the easy route of being with a girl is "better" than being gay and alone. In fact, it's just wrong.

I enjoy being there for guys who are there for me. I need to be more selfish and let those who would deny me in public go their own way - I'm not a member of the BDSM closet-enabling group.

I'm not saying I won't accept limits from now on, or that only experienced slaves need apply from now on. I'm saying that I am who I am, and if you want to play here, you want to serve me. If you don't want to serve me, you don't want to play here. It's not my obligation or responsibility to explain to you the clear meaning of my words when you're hyper-defensive, or to talk you into anything, or to forego what I like so you can have what you like.

It's not all about what I want, but if I'm your BDSM Master, it ought to be at least half about what I want. If you won't serve me, or at least stand up and be counted as being with me, then why should I stand up for you?

I need to be more selfish. I'm working on it.

A question for all boys

(and not to any particular boy, so don't overwork your imaginations)


What does it say to the world when you have to be reminded to keep your word?

Updates and non-news

I'm still around, but there's not much to report. Boy never made it back before leaving for a military obligation, though we had tried to set it up. Other boys/friends are supposed to return borrowed equipment any day now.

The bummer news is that I very seriously considered going to IML this year, but about a month ago, I found out I have a family obligation next weekend that will preclude it. It's not like heart-breaking bummer news - I don't go to BDSM conventions much, and I have no boy to take with me this year, but I need a vacation and I was curious about going.

It was never a "contest" - it's kind of like finding out your brother's getting married on Super Bowl weekend when you had a shot at tickets. You go to the wedding and you're glad to go, but you do wonder what would have happened if they'd chosen another date.

(On the other hand, I was not informed of this family obligation until about the day before I purchased my IML plane tickets, so had they waited 3 more days to tell me, I might not be going to see family after all. Family assumes you know things about their schedules. Family is wrong.)

The better news is that there's still a chance, though a remote one, that I can see a boy that I've played with before next weekend anyway. He's the one I described as "smart, open about his BDSM heart without letting it control his life, willing to try scary new things with a trusted partner, and unafraid to face his nature without blinking" way back in this post. The distance I have to travel for the family obligation is about halfway to where he and his husband/master/lover live, so we're exploring the chances of getting together.

It's not at all certain, since they're naturally reluctant to submit to an "outsider" in their own home, and I heartily approve of such caution. I think it was Larry Townsend who set the #1 rule of BDSM as "Don't let anyone you don't trust implicitly tie you up in your own home." It's stuck with me forever. I tend to phrase it in my own mind as "If you wouldn't give them a key to your house, don't let them tie you up there without an extremely safe backup plan."

I know that in some cases (or, like here, in some locales), traveling to submit isn't always possible. I think you can play safely as sub in your own home, but only if you add backups like safe calls to friends, check-ins from sympathetic friends, or even some significant restriction on the dom. (One idea: locking the dom's wallet, car keys, return plane tickets, or whatever else he needs to leave in a safe to which he does not have the combination. This, obviously, would not rule out extreme malice, but could work for a partner you trust. Never ever ever ever get tied up in your own home by anyone you don't know backwards and forwards.)

So, yeah, we're not sure if that can work out at all, and since it's just the rules and nothing personal, I harbor no ill-will if it doesn't happen. "No" is a perfectly fair answer, though I'd definitely prefer "yes." :-)

Other than that, not a lot going on here. Oh, one more thing, if you're following the saga of me: back in this post, I talked about a former club-kid boy who had spoken to me for 3+ years only to cut me off after he'd gotten everything he wanted from me. I heard from him about a month ago, for the first time since about a month before that post. I didn't even know who it was at first - he'd changed screen names yet again and hadn't told me the new one, since he hadn't spoken to me in two months before that date.

He'd had some kind of medical procedure done, and apparently felt that being loopy on the drugs gave him enough "courage" for him to tell me that he wanted me to apologize to him. He felt it was unfair that when he told me not to talk to him about BDSM anymore, and when he said he didn't intend to come back here in person to return the things he'd borrowed, that he could just mail them back which was always the backup plan anyway. He felt he had been very magnanimous to "let me" do some BDSM initiation tasks for him on behalf of his new master, and that when he decided not to talk to me about a primary topic of our friendship anymore, I was "rude" to not just go along with that and help him with whatever else he needed.

He said he was hurt. I said "join the club." He couldn't imagine how I could be hurt. I pointed him to the story. He said, "Well, I tried." I said, "Yeah, don't read it or anything." He went to read it.

Five minutes later, he said "OMG." He said he never meant to hurt me or make me feel used. He said he was crying and had to go. I said, "It's not my intention to make you cry," but he had already logged off.

I haven't seen him online since.

Off the top

I was too slammed last week to write anything here, and I was getting a bit concerned that everything was dark and moody and "all sub boys suck." So, today, let's talk about an ongoing BDSM topic: what's the big deal about shaving a sub boy's head?

As noted early on, I believe that a sub boy should accept, if not necessarily welcome, that his dom may shave the boy's head. I said earlier that it's a sign of submission that doesn't go away overnight, and that's a good thing. But this past week, a couple of guys (one dom, one sub for non-sexual reasons) asked the equivalent of a question I've heard way too many times about this:

Isn't there something else you could do instead?

Well, yeah, of course there's something any dom could do instead of anything else. I could do anything else I wanted within the agreed-upon limits, from having 12 hours of hot monkey sex to baking a lasagna for him. But just as the point of being submissive is that you let the dominant guy do what he wants with you, the point of being dominant is that you do what you want with the sub, within the agreed-upon limits.

So why might I want to shave a boy's head?

First, I find it erotic. When I was in junior high, I saw a TV news report of some high school boys who were not-quite-willingly getting buzzcuts, back at a time when it was nowhere near fashionable and not even an act of rebellion. It was one of those things that started to awaken the dom within, and those early erotic experiences always shape you more than you think.

That said, it's not always the "big deal" it used to be. Short hair and shaved heads are now (and still) fashionable for guys. A large number of guys, though I think fewer gay guys, shave their heads at some point in junior high through college just to do it. I really think that's a good thing - I think everyone should have to do it at least once. Once you can deal with having a buzzed or shaved head, your hair just won't freak you out anymore. Guys who've never had it done and have longer hair tend to obsess over their hair, going nuts over almost any imperfection in it. I just don't think that's a good use of a guy's mental energy. :-)

Even so, most sub boys who realize they're gay first and sub later not only have not had their heads shaved, they're quite scared of it. A boy who starts to explore his sexuality in the clubs and fashion circles wraps up a lot of his self-worth in a uniform, All-American Male appearance. It is frightening how many gay boys on services like gay.com identify themselves by clothing brands. The thought of all that changing in a few minutes scares the crap out of them.

This is not all that unusual - most things that can happen to a new sub boy can scare the crap out of him. No matter how much you know you need to be tied up and dominated, going to a dom's dungeon (or bedroom) and being restrained for the first time is nerve-wracking.

If you've wanted to be spanked, for example, and you finally get tied up and start getting paddled, and it starts to hurt, and you realize you can't get away and can't stop it, it's a real moment of personal truth. You might even panic - but do you want your panic to control the scene, or do you want to have to take it like you always wanted, and trust that the dom you've chosen? It's his job to push you past where you thought you could go, and maybe even push you over the edge as long as he catches you while you fall. If you let your panic end the scene, you'll never know.

But fear goes beyond the immediate. Many of the sub boys I've known have fantasies or at least thoughts of being owned boys, with varying ideas of a "normal" life beyond their service to their masters. Not too many boys are actively seeking a 24/7 "keep me locked in a cage and use me all the time" life as a slave, but a lot of them would like to submit more often than not - be collared, maybe chastized, be a slave just beneath the surface.

The problem here is that most of these boys, while "out" as gay men to their friends and family, usually want to keep their BDSM interest in the closet. It's socially acceptable to be gay, but not so much to be gay and into leather. It works out for them because most of the normal signs of submission are normally hidden even by a bathing suit (chastity devices, shaved genitals, paddle marks), can be hidden by normal clothing (a shaved body, whip marks on the back), or can be removed (collars, cuffs, chastity devices, anklets).

Even in those rare cases where a dom sends a sub home with a collar or chastity device that the sub can't remove, the nervous sub keeps reminding himself that it can be removed. And these are boys who want to be collared or otherwise owned, but when it happens, the fear takes over. He keeps telling himself that if he can keep the collar hidden for a few days until he can talk the dom into taking it off, or explain it glibly enough, he'll be "OK." If he's locked in chastity, then he can't date anyone who doesn't understand, but he can avoid dating until he can get out of it. No matter what it is, he can either hide it or get it removed, and everything will be back to "normal."

And, thusly, slaves in training manage to avoid dealing with the fact that they are slaves. I strongly agree that a guy's sexuality is his own business. It's no one else's concern if you are gay or straight or dom or sub or transgendered or anything else. Yet the insidious problem of the closet is that it keeps those in it from really facing their sexuality. A sub boy submits - that's why he's a sub. He can't face that if he spends 80% of his sexual energy worried about how to keep other people from knowing that he submits.

And they worry too much anyway - most people who see a boy wearing a "collar" will only recognize it as some kind of jewelry or fashion statement, but that doesn't stop the boy from constantly reminding himself that everything will be "normal" again once he gets the collar removed. It's not a true comfort zone. It's a fake one, a closet all its own that's no different than gay guys who refuse to go to clubs or hang out with other gay guys lest someone "see" them.

A shaved head demolishes this faux comfort zone.

In reality, a guy with a shaved head is not a big deal in any way. Even if the boy is not "the type" to shave his head, no one's going to know why he did it. Those who had to guess would be ten times more likely to guess "got drunk around the wrong people" than "enslaved by his gay master." Maybe twenty times. His friends may give him crap over it for a while, but most people who see him won't care in the slightest. It's simply not a real-world problem. When you have to explain it, "It's just something I did" or "I'm trying it" tends to work very well, because most people don't care if you shave your head or not. The chances that anyone will figure out you are a slaveboy because you have your head shaved are extremely, extremely small. The only people who might get it are other subs or doms, and they're going to understand.

But it has no undo button. Once the master starts in on the boy with the clippers, the hair is gone, and it's not coming back anytime soon. There's nothing the boy can do to hide it or to pretend it didn't happen - it will be seen, and to at least friends, it must be explained. It busts the door on the closet of denial.

Most sub boys I've known in my life fail to live up to their own potential for happiness because they're scared shitless of people knowing they are or want to be slaveboys. When such a boy gets his head shaved, he's forced to go back out into the world with an innocuous change that he can't deny. It's not jewelry or a device he can remove; it's not something he can hide under clothing. Even if the boy had what most people would call a "buzzcut," it will be 2-3 weeks after his head is shaved before he looks like he has a buzzcut again - presuming the master allows that and doesn't keep the boy's head shaved.

You would not believe how many boys, over the years, have said to me, "I wouldn't mind having my head shaved if it could grow back in a day or two." They're terrified that people in the "real world" will see into their closet, even though it really never happens. The boy doesn't have to tell his friends, "my master decided I needed my head shaved," unless the master orders it (I never have).

But he does have to deal with the fact that he is a slaveboy, and not pretend otherwise when not actually tied up. Just like gay guys don't really start to grow in and accept their sexuality until they come out to most of the people in their lives, slaveboys don't start to accept that part of their sexuality until they're forced to deal with it. Removable signs and hidden signs of submission never force them to deal with it in the mirror each morning as they get ready to leave. A shaved head does, in just about the only way that's not permanent yet not instantly reversible.

Sure, there are exceptions. Boys who've had their heads shaved before tend not to be so invested in it unless it was long ago and they didn't like it. Of the guys who say they "can't" shave their heads for work or other reasons, about 90% of them are wrong. A shaved head is an interesting haircut in terms of personal dynamics: if you wear it with your head held high and walk with confidence, it's a very powerful look for any job - sales, waiter, anything. If you keep your chin down and your shoulders slumped and act submissively, it makes you look extremely submissive. Yet these same sub boys are used to not acting submissively outside of their master's presence, so again, it's not a problem. They just have to deal with it. (Now, if you're a TV personality or a model or an actor currently playing a part, then yeah, you have some restrictions. The vast majority of sub boys do not have this problem.)

When a boy gets his head shaved by his master, he starts to accept and understand an important part of his sexuality, precisely because he can't remove or hide it like the other symbols of submission. The act itself is extremely dominant for the master, the result is important for the boy. It's almost a BDSM rite of passage. I don't think every boy needs his head shaved every time, and some may never need it. But some do need it, whether they want it or not.

I could do something else - but what would be the point?

Another week has passed.

I didn't mean to alarm any of you reading this by not being online much last week. Of course, there aren't many people reading this. I didn't add a hit counter or anything, but I suspect the readership is about four.

Four people, not four years old.

Anyway. With Boy backing out last week, and another friend-who-is-sometimes-boy-and-sometimes-just-so-filled-with-angst-you-can't-stand it also deciding that he's "not in the mood" lately, there wasn't a lot of reason for me to be online. Plus, I had a lot of other things to do, and I usually keep a spare machine online on gay.com or AIM or whatever.

So, last Saturday, I shut it down. I started doing other stuff. I moved a different computer into the same place that didn't have the chat stuff set up on it, so it wasn't too easy to chat anyway.

It was kind of nice. I'm poking my head online a bit more now, but still not staying on there like before. No one seems to have noticed much, save for my best friend, but I stayed in touch with him through other means, so my absence doesn't seem to be denting the universe.

From the short chats, I think Boy thinks I'm mad at him for backing out. This is not exactly true. I'm sad and disappointed that he did, because the main reason he got through the door was that he was so sure of what he wanted. If I'd detected that kind of uncertainty in his wants, I wouldn't have invited him out here. I talk to lots of boys online who never get through the door; he would have fit in well in that group. (Most of them think they can come through anytime they want, but that's an earlier post.)

I don't feel like he used me or anything, though I did question that at first. I think anyone would. For that lovely feeling, at the same time, let's talk about another boy whom I've talked to online for about three years. When I first started taking to him, he was just a club kid, with a latent interest in leather but not at all ready for it or what it meant. Over a 3-year online friendship, he learned more and more. He asked for lots of advice, and I always tried to stop and give it. I even designed business cards for him once.

I did invite him out here on several occasions, but he didn't start getting close until last year. I stopped inviting him after offering him dinner and a movie on his birthday and getting back, in words not much different than this, "let me see if anyone better is around first."

But still we talked. He asked more about BDSM and I told him, about toys and what being a master or slave is like, and how to play safely, and whatever else crossed his mind. He always said he wasn't quite ready to try it. Then, after I didn't hear from him for a week or two, he popped up again, and said, "You know all that stuff you wanted me to try? Well, I found a guy in another city and tried it all!"

That really wasn't what I'd had in mind.

Still, I wanted to be supportive, so I talked him through problems and misconceptions. Late in the year, he realized it was finally time to get his head shaved and get collared, and I'd promised him a collar as a no-strings-attached gift more than 2 years earlier. So he came out here and took care of all that, and borrowed a few simple toys to help his new proto-master bind him, etc.

Since then, he's had difficulties a few more times, thinking that his master isn't taking his service as seriously as he is, wondering about how to get things done. One Wednesday night, he msg'd me almost in tears, not even sure if he was going to stay with his master that week because he was so disappointed. I stopped my work and sat down with that computer and talked him through it for an hour before he left, abruptly, because his master was home.

I have, in general, attempted to have the patience of Job with the boy, even once it became clear that he was not interested in me as more than mentoring and advice.

So, this month, I realized I hadn't heard from him in a while. I found him on one of the IM services and said hi, and asked how the slavery was going.

He said, in essence, that it made his new master uncomfortable for him to talk to anyone about BDSM problems, so he wasn't going to talk to me about BDSM anymore, and didn't want me to talk to him about it. He asked for my address so he could mail back the toys he borrowed, which was always the plan of last resort anyway.

After three years of schooling him on BDSM (and everything from how not to panic to how not to commit suicide with club drugs), now I'm very politely told to censor myself, and not to talk to him about the major topic of three years' worth of conversations. (He has plenty of work-related question for me, though, and seems annoyed when I don't stop my tasks to provide free work-related consultation to him.)

That, my four readers, is what being used feels like - and why I don't miss being online as much as I was. Like I said, I'm poking my head up every now and then, and checking mail (sorry about no replies, Paul), and all that. And who knows - someone else may come along, unexpectedly, like Boy did. I may write a couple of stories, or tell some more stories here. Maybe happier ones!

So drop me a line if you want to say hi, or speak up when you see me poke my head up, since I'm not staying online for long, and may not be online for several days at a time again. But I'm here. You need kryptonite to get rid of me.

I suspected as much.

Boy has decided not to continue training or sessions. I can't say I'm surprised, but given how I never expected to find a boy at this time anyway, I am surprised at how sad it makes me.

Happy Valentine's Day

Boy cancelled for the second time in a row, although this time he told me about 12 hours in advance that he had a "date," rather than telling me 3 hours after he was supposed to arrive that he had a social commitment he didn't know about on time. He remains uncollared, and while he says he has been celibate while unlocked, I have not seen him in close to three weeks, with no meeting currently scheduled.

I am a big fan of the "three strikes" rule for BDSM relationships, but I don't advertise it because then it's a threat, not a policy. He's now cancelled two scheduled visits in a row, so I'm not scheduling a third - that's up to him, both to find a date and to clear it with me. If he does, and he cancels that one too, he won't get another opportunity.

Better to face reality than pretend something is there that's not. I see more and more why one my best (non-BDSM) friend calls today "Black Heart of Darkness Day."

Boy, boys, no boys, some boys, who knows

No updates for two weeks, bad on me. Haven't had a lot of recreational writing time, for better or (mostly) for worse.

So, as of this moment, Boy is not collared. We knew from the start that he had a medical appointment sometime this month or next that would require removing the collar and other marks of submission, at least for that day and probably for a little longer, since he lives more than half an hour from me and can't get out here more than about once per week. That was planned. I expected that.

I did not expect that I would have to have a proxy remove the collar and other devices on my behalf.

Because he's younger, Boy does not always understand that actions speak louder than words. (Again, for those just surfing the web: in BDSM, boy refers to a BDSM submissive man, whether he's 18 or 65, in the same way that Sir refers to a dominant whether he's 18 or 65. It's about role, not about age. All "boy" and "Sir" references are to consenting adults in all such contexts.) At times, Boy thinks he is supposed to say what I want to hear, and not what is more accurate or more true.

This always leads to problems, and it's been no exception for us. Boy asked for things he wanted to try, but implied that he was sure he wanted them for longer than a trial period. Boy said that certain BDSM events were not that big a deal to him when, in fact, they really were a big deal to him. He's now understanding that if he feeds me bad information, I make bad decisions. When a Sir asks a boy if he can take anymore, the boy had better not turn a true answer like "I want to be able to take more" into "I can take more" if the latter is not true as well. A boy who says he can take more when he can't is going to get hurt. Bad information creates bad decisions.

In this case, Boy wants to be collared, and has said so - but he's also self-conscious about his collar in some settings. He's aware that not being able to remove it has been good for him, but now that it's come off, he's not sure he wants it back on. He's starting to understand more that submission is not just the exciting parts that they write the porn stories about, but remembering those choices daily, accepting that you're not in control of everything, and seeing where that leads you, both physically and emotionally.

Combined with other basic honesty problems, Boy and I are not as close as I want. Boy is a smoker, and I hate tobacco smoke. He's not my 24/7 boy, so I didn't tell him to quit smoking, but I did tell him with crystal clarity never to let me smell it on him. For his second visit, he showed up reeking of smoke - and then lied to me about the cause. (It was not someone else smoking in his vehicle - it was him smoking in his vehicle, and I knew it.)

That was on top of a visit that had been shortened to just a few hours due to his schedule. His next visit after that was to have been last weekend, for most of Saturday, but he elected to go see his family instead. That reduced his potential time here from most of the weekend to just a few hours on either Friday or Sunday. He chose Sunday - and then, when he was supposed to be here, he didn't arrive. I only heard from him hours later. He had an organizational commitment where he lived, and didn't know about it until so late that he couldn't even get there for the start of it.

But for whatever reason, he didn't call and report the problem to me - I just sat here, wondering not only why the visits were getting shorter, but now seemed to be vanishing altogether. I knew the collar had to come off for his medical appointment, but this week, he apparently contracted a contagious illness that, due to family history, I must avoid at nearly all costs, so he couldn't come here to get it removed and I couldn't go to him, either. Another boy and his companion (who wants to be a boy) who live near Boy were gracious enough to come here and get the tools to remove the collar and other devices, and used them to unlock him on Thursday.

The boy and his companion who performed this favor for me were close to being collared as well, just two weeks ago, but backed out at the last minute. They say it wasn't fear, and at times I think they really believe that, but I don't. My canonical example for this is still a boy having his head shaved (and yes, I think boys have to be prepared for that). It's not about the moment in bondage when the master has the boy's hair removed as a sign of his service - it's about the next days and weeks when the boy remains shaved and has to deal with it. It's about realizing that things for you are different now, and taking the difference one day at a time. Collars can come off, piercings can be removed, but hair doesn't grow back instantly. You can't undo it, and you can't pretend it didn't happen. The boy knows some of this; his companion much less so. Yet this is where they need to go next, because it's exactly when the excitement of the session wears off that they start questioning their commitment. It's time for them to find out what that's like.

However, while that's my experienced opinion, it's not my problem. I like them both, but have already told them, "The collar will not be offered again this semester." They may know what that means already, I guess I'll see. This boy, while a great friend and a wonderful boy, has always had difficulty with decisions - not that he doesn't have choices he likes, but that choosing one of them locks out other choices he might like. He's the proverbial kid in the candy store with only $1 - he knows that once he spends it, he can't have anything else, so he stands there all day just staring at the sweets, unable to choose one to the exclusion of others.

He's been talking with Boy for a couple of weeks now, and I start to see some of the same indecision in Boy that this other boy has had for his adult life. One reason I collared Boy, even though he's slightly younger than my preferred age range for a boy, is that he was able to make decisions and commit to them quickly. He was unafraid to go for what he wanted. After a few weeks of talking with the other boy, though, now he's not so sure what he wants. Instead of Boy being a decisive influence on the other boy, the other boy may be an indecisive influence on Boy.

I don't know that's what's happening, but I wonder.

I sincerely hope that Boy wants to be collared again ASAP, but not if it makes him unhappy. I want him to be collared and happy, but if that becomes an either-or question, he has to pick "happy." I believe that taking things one day at a time because of his ownership is very good for Boy. He enjoys being taken to new levels of himself, and even when he doesn't quite know what being owned means, I believe he can feel his collar and know that he's secure and cared for. I believe that the control he cedes to me will reward him in ways that stubborn self-determination - which he's already mastered - cannot.

We'll see in the next few days if Boy is comfortable with both the freedom and limitations of being owned, and how the other boy and his companion manage their ongoing journey. I won't shrivel up and die if I don't own any of them, but they're all fine boys, and I especially have enjoyed owning Boy, except for the miscommunication and the shrinking amount of time I see him. I hope it continues.

An odd thing happened recently.

I collared a boy.

I was not expecting this in any way. I had seen the boy's profile online, on one of the bazillion services trying to sell ads or subscriptions around gay and BDSM people's desires to find each other, and had made a mental note to chat with him if I saw him online. I did, earlier this month, and I liked what I heard. So much so that I invited him to play.

(One of the million differences between BDSM and not: vanilla guys tend to think that normal flirting and talking about sex means that you want in their pants. The A&F crowd, specifically, seems to think that an instant message containing "hello" always means "I want to jump your bones." I've been shocked more than once to learn that a guy I was just having a nice, normal conversation with thought I wanted him naked. They think very highly of themselves.)

I don't invite many people to play, and because of my location and my strict insistence on safety (no drugs, no booze, Larry Townsend bondage rules), the fear of submission in general, and the fact that I'm not Brad Pitt, most of those who are invited never actually show up, much less get into the playroom. That's fine. I don't mind being picky. But after talking with this boy for a week or so, I had invited him to come find out more about himself here. He'd wanted to sub for a long time, and he liked what I described. A couple of weeks ago, he arrived as ordered for his first real BDSM session.

About four hours into it, I collared him - a 24/7 collar that he's still wearing, even though he's back in his normal environment. He knew that was what it was when I brought it out, and he knew he'd be wearing it until I said otherwise. He simply bowed his head so it could be locked on him.

I wasn't expecting this at all. We both know it's not going to turn into a 24/7 or live-in arrangement - his life changes in the summer and it's not clear what happens after that, and mine is its usual hectic self. He'll be doing well to make it out here once a week for training and relief (by my order and his wish, he's now celibate when not here).

He's a little bit younger than my usual lower limit for boys (don't worry, he's still well within societal limits, and although I don't let him drink before he comes here, he can apparently consume half his body weight in beer without blinking), but he's proven to be smart, eager to learn about himself, eager to live out what he once thought couldn't happen, and willing to see how it is to live with that. He's quite the looker, too, although that's less important to me than a good heart. (I'm luckier to look at him than he is to look at me, though. That's a slave's lot in life.)

There are times he's wanted to take off the collar (which looks more like jewelry to the uninitiated), but he can't, and people have seen it. He's had to make do. He realizes already how often he would have removed it if he could have, and that he's glad he can't remove it so he can figure out what being a sub is like outside the playroom.

There are other sub boys in the area, and I'm very proud to call some of them "boy" and even prouder to call them "friend," but they know they have issues with the things they like. The thought of wearing a collar 24/7 really turns them on at times, but at other times they'd do just about anything to remove it, and those demons of conformity drown out the better angels who urge them to be patient and true to themselves. The new boy doesn't know where all this will lead him, but if he winds up collared for several months to find out, he'll rub the collar with his fingers and smile that it's on his neck.

It's been about four years since I met the last boy who was smart, open about his BDSM heart without letting it control his life, willing to try scary new things with a trusted partner, and unafraid to face his nature without blinking. He lived in another state, so he couldn't visit often, and he thinks we had less in common than we do (I never cared that all his opinions about technology are wrong), but he shone a great ray of light into my house when I was ready to become a hermit. He's engaged to another great guy of his own now, whom I've met, and I still talk to him regularly (and sometimes help him with some ideas, and vice-versa - he's a devious boy).

I wasn't looking for him when I found him, and I wasn't really looking for this new boy, either, but we've found each other. It's serious but not permanent, it's important but not life-wrecking. It's good to again hear and see a boy getting what he needs and knowing that's what's happening.

Neither of us knows when I'll unlock him. He's coming out tomorrow, and we're both looking forward to it. Some things that might happen scare him, and he's not sure he's up to earning some of the rewards he covets. Even though I know he won't be mine forever, I don't feel rushed with him. He knows some of what he needs and is thankful someone who understands that has found him.

I don't know where this will take us. He is happy to wear my collar and I'm happy that he wears it. I like him quite a bit.

Blogging light

Been occupied with other stuff, including some fun BDSM theory based on random chance (well, fun to me, at least). I'll eventually get around to being less cantankerous on here.

Talking to me

I usually keep a second computer available while I work for tasks I don't want to do on my main computer, so I'm "online" much of the day - primarily on AIM, but also on gay.com, MSN, and Yahoo much of the time.

I don't put the screen names in the gay.com profile to avoid getting IM spam. Every now and then, I'll change AIM so that only people on my buddy list can see I'm online, but I keep a very small buddy list. Basically, if I tried to chat with you and you weren't very responsive, I take you off the buddy list so I don't [waste my time|bother you] (take your pick). If you then chat with me and become talkative later, I usually put you back on the buddy list.

When I shift to letting only buddies see me on AIM, though, it means those who weren't talkative lately won't see me at all. Gay.com is another story - since it is so full of assholes and self-important twinks, people who piss me off there go on the block list. They can see I'm online by my profile, but when they try to send me a private message, they get back a response telling them they don't get to do that, and I never see the message. Too bad for them.

People tend to think I'm not on gay.com because I don't go in public rooms. I haven't been in a public room in nearly a year, and currently have no plans to go back in one. Too much drama, too many pretty boys assuming everyone wants them, too many assumptions that I must want X or be like Y or demand without being asked.

So, yeah, I stopped wasting time there. :-)

But if you want to talk to me, just send me a message by name on gay.com, or drop me a note. If I know who you are, I'll get in touch. If I don't know you, explain why we should chat. Don't just assume I want you. (To my knowledge, as of this writing, I do not know and have never spoken with any of the people who have me on their "Hot Lists" on gay.com. I get these buddy requests from people who've never even said "boo" to me and they wonder why I don't add them as my validated friends. Yeesh.)